Who would play Curly and Moe?

The weekend was completely bland, seeing as how my stomach was on the blitz and all. I missed my buddy Angie's birthday celebration, the one we've been planning for you know, weeks, and spent a lot of time on the couch or in the bathroom.

Saturday was a dud, but I did manage to get up long enough to accompany Shawn and the kids to Ratatouille, and am happy to say that we finally made it through an entire movie with Jax in tow. Not a common occurrence as most of you know. Then it was back home and straight to the couch, where I stayed while Shawn scrambled to figure out what to serve for dinner. Have I mentioned how nice it's been having him home?

Yesterday picked up a little, and I was all set to fix our fave Mini-Meatloaves with Mashed Potatoes. Jax had different ideas, twisting the oven knob up a hundred degrees behind my back, leaving me to greet nice and black meatloaves when the timer went off. This sent me running to the store to get a rotisserie chicken, whose hot juices I spilled on my leg, rendering me dripping and limping to the checkout lines.

That's me: Shep, reincarnated.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANG!!!!!

Start Your Engines!!

Busy, Busy

Here's what Jax was doing this morning while I was paying bills:

Lola, the dog, aka: #ncp8

Just another day in paradise...

I've heard garlic works well, too...

I'm on the meal ministry at our church and took dinner over to a parishioner tonight who's just started chemo. I went inside and dropped off the meal while Shawn and the kids waited in the car. When I got back, Ryan was all 20 questions, wanting to know names, decor details, etc... I told them what the woman had said, that she hadn't started to feel the effects of the chemo yet, and that she was "keeping her fingers crossed" that it would stay that way.

Later we went on to a food tasting, after which I came home feeling a little queasy. As I lay on the couch, tongue hanging, pants unzipped, Ry kissed me goodnight and patted my head, gave me a knowing nod and said, "I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you, Mommy", and then proceeded to hold up each of her index fingers, making the sign of the cross, much like we use to fend off vampires.

The way I'm feeling, it just might work.

Seriously?

You know how when kids are young and you tell them to stop doing something, so they hurry up and finish doing it real fast before you can get it away from them, or reach out to beat them..or whatever?

Yeah, well, Jax has taken the technique to a new level. Now, when we're at the store and he happens to escape my grasp long enough to grab a bag of candy, when I tell him "No, put it back," he quickly rips it open, thus leaving me obligated to buy them.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if he'd at least grab the good stuff. What the hell am I gonna do with a pound of orange circus peanuts?

Sad State of Affairs

Let's all bow our heads as we mourn the passing of youth and vitality from the York household.

Not only has Shawn just recovered from an 80 yr-old's disease, but now the children are suffering as well.

It being 95 degrees with no rain, coupled with the fact that I am in the midst of my annual summer reading of "Divine Secrets", I was feeling inspired by Vivi and the girls, so I set up the sprinkler in the front yard, squeezed my just-arrived-home-from-Menana's-kids into their bathing suits, and away we went.

That was the plan, anyway. What actualy happened went something like this:

Me: "Okay guys! The sprinkler is up, have fun!"

Ryan: "Why can't we just go to the pool? The pool is more funner, you know."

Me: "I know, but Mommy has a sinus infection and it's kinda hard for me to play with both of you by myself at the pool, so let's just try this, okay?"

Jax: " Smimming, Mommy! Smimming!!"

Me: "Yeah, bud. This is swimming, just above ground. Try it, you guys. It's fun -- Mommy and Daddy used to play in the sprinkler all the time when we were kids."

Ryan: "But it's cold."

Me: "It's supposed to be cold, Ry. It's 95 degrees out -- PLAY IN THE FRICKIN' WATER."

Ryan: "But it'll get in my eyes."

Me: "Christ. Watch me. (running through the sprinkler, fully clothed) See? Look how fun!"

Gamely, Ryan tries to attack the spray of water, but only makes it halfway before it "gets in her eyes" and she bails, screaming. Jax tries, too, but quickly decides he doesn't like it and goes off to hit the dog with his plastic bat.

Meanwhile, I'm left dripping, dragging out all the pool toys, trying hard as possible to bribe my kids to play in the sprinker. If I could have turned the water to lemonade to get them in it, I would have. As it was, this is how it turned out:

Okay, so Shawn had his cataract surgery today. He's doing fine and is recovering nicely in the eery silence that is our home without children. I'm not sure how many more movies I can watch, but I'll do my best. I should be cleaning, but that wouldn't really be staying true to my personal constitution, now would it?

Got Rain?

This raining for 3 weeks straight is starting to get under my skin. For the love of Noah -- enough already.



As gloomy as I have become over the weather, I did try to pick up the mood for our Fourth of July "party". Usually we spend the 4th at the Lake. Usually Shawn has to work, but usually that isn't such a big deal, either -- not that we don't miss him, but that we've just grown used to it. He always makes it in time for the fireworks, so all is not lost.



But this time, this time, was different. This time I was home alone with the natives, and the natives were restless.



Like I said, this rain sucks.



We'd been letting them jump on our blow-up mattress for the past 2 weeks, alternating its purpose between being a trampoline, slide, bed, and breakfast table. No holds barred when it rains, people. I'll do anything to keep them busy and happy for as long as possible. Or out of my way, anyway.


I rose to the occasion as always, covering the house here and there with red white and blue streamers, flags, etc... We filled balloons with confetti so the kids could have indoor "fireworks", I made bunches and bunches of patriotic cupcakes, and sat and waited for everyone to arrive. And waited and waited.

I didn't so much mind the wait -- there was an all-day documentary on the The Revolution showing on the HIstory channel that I watched and found fascinating, thank you very much. The kids, not so much.

Eventually the rest of the calvary arrived, we ate, drank, popped some balloons, and ate some more. Then everyone went home and we went to bed.


Since then, it's been more rain, though yesterday the sun did stay out long enough for us to hit the pool, and today I managed to pull the 3-ft-high weeds from the beds in the backyard.

Sorry about the delay in the post -- it took forever for us to find the camera, and for once i was determined to add pics to an entry!

Somewhere Deep Down, I've Always Known

My subconscious has a wicked sense of humor. All my life I've insisted I have intuitive powers -- none that can be demonstrated, but I'm always right there ready to predict something, just in case. One day I'll be right, and then all you nay-sayers will have to eat crow.

Like my high school friends, who pay no mind to my warnings to take care, after I've had a horrible dream involving them and heavy machinery. Or my friend Renee, whom I've spent countless years bestowing my predictions and warnings upon, only to end up having it kick me in my own ass.

I had called her about a week and a half ago just to chat, and got voicemail. Since I didn't leave a message, and since she is an avid reader of le blog and saw that I was no longer on Prozac, she immediately assumed I was preggers, and left me a message declaring just that. Since I was late, I had to wait until I did start (whew!) to call her back, afraid to jinx myself and prove her right. This is what I do. I don't claim "crazy" for nothin', y'all.

Anyway, last night Shawn and I got into it after he arrived home from doing inventory at 2:45 am. The man keeps leaving earlier and earlier so he can get it done earlier, and yet keeps getting home later and later. Rolling over and falling asleep fuming, I ended up dreaming that I got shot and was dying, begging him to tell me the truth -- was he cheating on me, and did he ever really love me? His reply?

"I've been seeing Juan for quite some time now, Amy. I'm a homosexual. Please don't tell anyone." Ha! My subconscious' idea of revenge!! (or, it could just be that we've been talking about that subject alot lately, given Jax's affinity for dress-up clothes and Barbies, and my affinity for teaching him to say 'I'm a pretty, pretty princess'. Whatever, it was funny in my dreams, and even funnier when I told him about it this morning, though he didn't really laugh.

*disclaimer: my husband is very manly, very athletic and very very straight. Not that it matters.*

I Triple-Dog-Dare You

--to find anything more repulzive than coming home and finding that your dog has been eating your son's poopy diaper from the trash.

In your room.

Next to your side of the bed.

It's like my decision to buy that Bissel yesterday was a sign from God.

Speaking of bargains, I also scored some pretty cool cheap-o toys at Target, too. I'm telling you, the best place and time to stock up on birthday gifts is at the end of each season -- especially Christmas and Summer -- you can get so many good toys for soooo little. Am I right, ladies??

I'm not ashamed of my cheap-gift-buying status. Toys are expensive as shit, y'all, and we have a LOT of birthdays. Not that I personally haven't always been like this.

I once famously gifted both my sisters with random-shaped cut out posterboard with pictures and hlitter glued on for Christmas. To be fair, it was my freshman year in college, and I had not yet discovered credit.

Since then, my home-made gifts have upgraded to handmade cards and personalized scrapbooks. I'm not the only one -- another friend does embroidery, so every birthday she gives a beach towel with their name embroided on it. Granted, hers takes actual skill, but gimme a break, here.

Actually, lately I've moved up a bit and have started sending our chunkyrhino items as gifts. (You're welcome, Elisa and Kellie!). Is that horrible? Am I using a friend's special day to self-promote? Probably, but what the hell?? I think they're cute, and if they don't, do I really want them as a friend? I mean, really?

Or is it worse to get a real toy, but one that was purchased at clearance price? I don't know what other Moms think, but I could care less what your kid gives my kid. Most of it I just end up selling, anyway. Sorry if that smarts, but I'm trying to open up an honest discussion, here. I mean, I know some of those moms shop discount like us (Hi Ang!!), so do they care if they know you are giving their kid a discount gift (Hi Ang!)?

I hope not, cause if they do, Ry and and Jax are gonna be missing out on a LOT of invites.

Weekend Update

It's not quite 8 am here yet, I've been up since 6:15 (with both kids, one of which slept on top of me, the other woke up with a bloody nose), so my brain has yet to clock in. Therefore, this entry will be entirely uneventful, full of details no one cares about, but which are the only things I can think of right now.

My planned trip to the grocery store yesterday did not yield the results I was hoping for, so this morning we will be heading out again to try to complete the list. All I was able to cross off yesterday was "Large Ziploc Bags" -- don't ask. (I did, however, get a Bissel PowerBrush Spot Cleaner on clearance for $20!!)

After the grocery store, it's on to the gym where I can sweat away some of the guilt I've been feeling over my flabby tummy.

Then it's home for an early nap before we head to Chuck E Cheese for a birthday party, and then into Austin for a wedding. With the kids. This should be fun.

Ann Coulter is a Whore

She is. She's a shameless attention-seeking whore. I know. I'm one, too, I just have more class (okay, even I can't keep a straight face ) and integrity than she does. No, but really. I hardly ever make fun of other people's dead kids.

Wouldn't it be awesome if just once she gave a really legitimate argument on the issues? How cool would that be?

Although, I am finding humorous the names she opts to use when she publicly defames her victims. I've been locked indoors the past 3 days with Ryan and Jaxson, and I think I have some viable options for her:





1. Poopoo Head (obvious, I know, but must be mentioned out of sheer volume of times it's been used here)





2.Dumb Face





3. Syphilis Cum-Bubble (oh wait -- that's mine for Shawn)





4. DoodyBrain





5. Stupid Butt





6. Vaginal Blood Fart (No, sorry -- one of Shawn's.)





Anyone want to place a bet???

Menana the Humanitarian

So you guys know all about my Mom, right? Biggest Bleeding Heart Liberal you ever did meet (how do you think I got this way?). Remember back when we were kids and Michael Jackson and all the stars did the Aid for Africa stuff? Every time those guys were on TV, there was Mom, sobbing. Remember Baby Jessica? Sobbing. Even now, she is active in human rights, heading up the Invisible Children project at her high school.

But even Gandhi has an off day. And thus, so does Menana.

She and my Dad had been traveling across Texas and living in hotel/motel state for the past 2 weeks, partly because they drove down to visit her Dad, and partly because they're having their home remodeled, and have thus been displaced. The home improvement project has taken longer than they were expecting, making life thoroughly unpleasant for both of them, but most especially Menana, who is balking at the fact that etiquette required them to accept a friend's offer to stay at their palatial villa while they are out of town, to give Mom and Dad some relief from the Marble Falls Inn. Some people.

When I called to check on her yesterday, she was at her own house in the only room not being worked on: the storage/office/gym room next to the garage. The one without a/c. Sweating and watching Law & Order because she just doesn't feel comfortable in other people's palatial villas.

So this morning, when I awoke to non-stop news reports that massive flooding had attacked Marble Falls overnight, leaving people stranded, roads flooded, etc, I called to see how they were doing.

"Oh, we're fine. We're on our way to check the house now. The creeks and rivers are just rushing -- it's crazy!! I really hope the tile guy can get back out here today to finish, he only got halfway done yesterday." All in one breath. Just like that.

Like I said, Menana the Humanitarian.

Rude Awakening

So last night we're having dinner with our neighbors, one of which is a HOA Board Member with Shawn. During some incredibly exciting discussion about the association's finances, someone mentions that a lot of the $$ is dribbling out to the woman who "cleans" the facilities 3 times a week at the neighborhood pool. Irritated at the lack of service and astonished at the amount of money paid, Shawn quickly suggests that maybe I should do it, if it means more money every month.

*counting to ten*

On that note, don't forget to visit our online store for all your summer wedding and baby gift needs.

Please.

I know. I'm the laziest blogger on Earth. The time it takes to plug in the camera, transfer pics and type up funny-ish blurbs could just as easily be spent playing, watching a movie or sleeping -- all of which I opted to do yesterday rather than blog. It was raining cats and dogs, Shawn is still off of work, and we were just having fun with the kiddos. Sorry!!

Anyway, here's how it all went down: In an effort to stretch the Almighty Dollar, I found a Rodeway Inn in downtown San Antonio for $75/night. According to the 2-starred reviews I read, as long as all you wanted was a bed and a hot shower, then you would be okay. Huh.

The place is literally adjacent to I35, which meant police sirens and ambulances all through the day and night -- much to our kids' delight. The shower sucked balls, the built-in hairdryer didn't work and the bathroom vanity light didn't work. We were officially staying in the ghetto.

The kids loved jumping on the beds, watching out the window for the aforementioned sirens, and playing with the in-room safe, so I guess the sacrifice to our safety was worth something.

We spent Friday evening on the Riverwalk, planning on hiking from one end (the mall) to the other (Dick's Last Resort) to eat, but then rain hit and we were stuck with either Steers and Beers or Chili's. Wanting to do something out of the ordinary, we opted for Steers and Beers.

The place was empty (a bad omen, no doubt), and while we were waiting for our hostess to appear, Ryan climbed up on the stool behind the hostess stand and started goofing off. We quickly told her to get down, just as the hostess was walking over, and as she was trying to get down and out of the way, the hostess showed up, glaring at Ry, shoving her out of the way with her large behind. "Table for four?" she asked.

"Nevermind", Shawn and I muttered at the same time, both pissed at the audacity of this bitch and both thinking the same thing: we would never darken the doors of this heathen-run establishment again. I'm sure the girl was very remorseful, seeing as how the minute we walked out, a party of 12 walked in. Whatever. If you don't have your principles, you have nothing. And our No.1 principle is "Don't Fuck With Our Kids"

Chili's it was. Not that we don't love and adore a good Chili's meal, but we eat there all the time, and so were not that excited about spending a fortune there just because it was adjacent to the river. But we sucked it up and got a table anyway. It sucked. The server sucked, the food was not up to par, and the entire meal was endured surrounded by tables of high school cheerleaders. Jax loved it. I did not.

We made it through dinner, left a shitty tip, and headed back to the mall for ice cream and sight-seeing. There was a great little woodwind group playing music, and we happily pulled up a seat to watch and listen. Ryan decided immediately that her one souvenir from the trip would be a wooden recorder being sold by the music group, a choice I knew she would regret but was obliged to buy her anyway, when she insisted that she understood the meaning of "only one gift" and that this was, in fact, the one gift she wanted.

Jax just danced. Oh, our little ham. He had a great time goofing off to the music, until he saw someone put money into the large pot sitting in front of the stage, and all his attention turned toward getting some for himself. Which he did with much gusto. The crowd loved it. The performers, not so much. (I made sure to empty my change purse into the tip pot as I grabbed Jax away, thank you).

We decided it was as good a time as any to make our getaway, and so we all headed back to the truck, and then spent the next 45 minutes getting lost in downtown San Antonio, trying desperately to find an on ramp to I35. Remember how I said our hotel/motel was in the ghetto? I was wrong. The ghetto was a few miles south, an area we grew quite familiar with that evening.

We finally made it back to the Rodeway Inn, and snuggled in bed listening to the people upstairs throwing bowling balls on the ground until we drifted off to restless sleep.

Eventually the morning came and we headed to SeaWorld. Being the people-hater I am, I have to say that despite the large crowds, rude people, and annoying intermittent rains, we really had a great time. Ryan and Shawn rode "Journey to Atlantis", Jax stood by the fence and got soaked, and I caught it all on video. Shawn and Ry didn't get half as wet on the ride as Jax did standing next to it, leaving Ryan insisting that she needed a turn to get soaked. We tried to warn her. There she was in her cute little dress, no swimsuit to be seen, begging us to let her get drenched. It's not that we didn't want her to do it, we just know Ryan. She needs to be comfy. a dripping wet jumper does not make for a comfy outfit. Nevertheless, she insisted and so we stood aside, waiting for reality to soak in (pardon the pun). Not 5 minutes later, she cam running over to us, drenched from head to toe, complaining about being cold and wet. I'm pretty sure the words, "We told you so" were uttered.

We wrapped our dripping wet children in a towel and headed toward a cafe, searching for a decent meal to appease our grumbling tummies. 30 minutes and $34 later, we were sitting around our meals of crap-ass fast food, scoping out our next destination, which would be Shamu. We all needed a little boost, and were hoping an enormous trained Killer Whale would do the trick.

It did. We sat close enough to see everything, but no so close that we got caught in the Splash Zone, the kids were enamored and Shawn and I had a pretty good time, too.

Seeing Shamu led to a whole new Ryan-centered battle: she hated the wooden flute we bought her yesterday, and absolutely needed a whale-fin necklace and stuffed Shamu. After several minutes of arguing, I gave in and bought one of each for the kids, but not before Ry tripped on the stairs and cut herself, sending us to First-Aid where she got the kind of treatment that attention-seeking drama queens like she and I feel we deserve every day.

Next was on to "Pirates 4D", and another 45 minute wait. The 15 minute film was cute enough, but Jax hated getting sprayed with water and wasn't that happy about the air blowing in his ears as "bees" flew by, either.

By the end of that ordeal, the skies were producing a pretty steady drizzle, so we headed back indoors to the penguin exhibit which has just totally been ruined by "Happy Feet". All I could do was watch the little bugger sullenly, making guesses as to which ones had already gone loony, and which ones were on the verge.

Luckily, that little guilt-fest was not long-lasting, and we made our way to the Mommy and Daddy zone, otherwise know as the Brewmaster's Hospitality House. There really is something to be said about visiting an amusement park owned by the nation's largest brewing company.

Half an hour and two-free-beers each later, we took our load over to the Dolphin Zone where Ry and Jax tried desperately to touch the dolphins, and grumbled at the fact that Shawn and I would not buy $5 worth of fish for them to feed to the dolphins. I was grossed out by the though (and the long line) -- Shawn just refused to pay them to feed their animals. He's very principled that way.

After the dolphins we ended our SeaWorld adventure in the Shark house, where Ryan could live forever watching the fish, but where I grow bored within 2 seconds of walking through the doors. I am nothing if not a mother who sacrifices her own happiness for her childrens'.

Anyway, we found ourselves back at the Riverwalk that night, opting for *hmmm* Sea Food at Landry's, where we received almost as warm a welcome as we received at Steers and Beers the night before. We did sit River-side, though, and the kids had a great time shouting and yelling to the people on the tour boats (she desperately wanted to join them, I said it was too boring, she spent the rest of dinner pointing out all the people's smiling faces), and making faces at people looking down from the street above.

We made it safely (and quickly) back to the room, and turned in once again to the soothing sounds of sirens and stomping.

Sunday was originally planned to be Schlitterbahn day, but the weather turned on us and we ended up saving the waterpark for another day. Instead, we headed to Market Square, where Ryan managed to finagle yet another gift (Mexican doll), Shawn got bored, and we all got wet.

Don't you all want to vacay with us? Aren't we just as fun as a barrel of monkeys???

Ryan's Nighttime Prayer

"Dear God, I am so sorry that you have to work all the time answering prayers and that you never get to sleep. Maybe one day you will when all the people are dead -- then you'll get to rest so you can be strong to fight the devil and keep him away from us and all that other stuff. Amen"

(check back later for stories and pics from our San Antonio vacation. Here's a teaser: Rodeway Inn, a tip-stealing Jax, and maybe NOW Ryan will take our advice...)

Mental Hospital

--Head nut speaking.

We are in crisis mode, scrambling to plan a new vacation for the next 3 days.

We found out yesterday that the beach house in Corpus was without water or power, but were waiting to see if things got better this morning. Guess What?

So now we've got the cheapest hotel within walking distance to the Riverwalk booked for 2 nights, and are at an impasse on how and where to actually spend our time and money.

Our travel budget for this trip was not intended to include room and board, sending me into a budgeting craze (coulda used ya on this one, Ninny), locking myself to the computer, searching for coupons, promo codes, and mapquesting the closest liquor store to our hotel.

I think we've narrowed down the itinerary, but still have nothing really planned.
Yeah. That sounds right.

We know it's a toss-up between Schlitterbahn, Fiesta Texas and Seaworld. Anyone with a promo code or season passes they're not using this weekend could easily end up making the decision for us. I'm just sayin'...

In the meantime, I'll be laboring over which small attraction to fill Friday with -- juggling between the SA Children's Museum, the Buckhorn Saloon, and, God help me, my former place of employment.

In which I am blown away at how quickly this happened

When did I lose control? Where is the mother of days like these and this one?





I just spent 10 minutes vacuuming the kids' rooms while they attacked me with legos from the hallway, laughing at every menacing threat I could concoct.





When did I become the loser substitute teacher...the old lady who lives with 12 cats...Gil Buckman?





I'LL tell you when. It was when we decided not to spank our kids (the real kind of spanking -- with belts and all) like we got when we were young. Why is that? I'm not scarred from the whuppin's, I don't have issues with my parents -- what makes me so against beatings, uh I mean, spankings?





If I'm honest with myself, I'm just tryng to impress the Parents Magazine mommies who do everything by the book. I'll bet we wouldn't have quite as many scarred walls, broken pieces of furniture, destroyed antiques and heirlooms as we do had we opted to take the spanking route in the first place.





Then again, there's really no way I could go through with it. I'd probably screw up and let the belt go all loose and not slap correctly, then I'd have to try again, at which time I'd also likely fail, and by then they'd have already left the room. aaaarrrggghhhhhh.

Am I the Only One...

...who is too tired to chase her 2 yr old through the parking lot while he runs after a bird, so she sends her 5 yr old to do it instead?


...who does everything possible to ensure that the house stays clean for as long as possible by cleaning the entire thing right before leaving for vacation?? Again, nothing to do with coming home to a clean house -- I just really need to be able to know the house was clean for 3 days straight.

... who would rather flop out of a bikini than wear a one-piece?


... who is seriously wondering if it would just be easier to get a job and send the kids to day-care?


Surely not.

Father's Day Feast

Since the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, we decided to celebrate Father's Day by eating. All day long.

First course: Cinnamon-Blueberry Muffins with Fresh Strawberries and Coffee

Second Course: Cajun-spiced Chicken Fettucine

Third Course: Bacon-wrapped Fillet Mignon with Baked Potatoes and Strawberry Cream Cheese Pie

Did I mention I'm starting a mini-catering biz?? Anyone hungry??

Naturally, we let Shawn park himslef in front of the tv all day, watching the Astros win and Tiger lose, but we did take a break in the middle there to haul the kids to the pool. It was so much fun, getting in the water...and then it started pouring. Which was fun, too, until we gave up and tried to get the kids out of the pool and Ryan went all Mommy on us, yelling and screaming and throwing a fit. What really sucked was that by the time we'd gotten back home and changed, the rain had stopped and the sun was shining.

God's little Father's Day present for Shawn: more TV.

This should be fun

I'm sure the image of me climbing through the playscape at the Y, chasing Jax into the ball pit, slipping and falling into the balls as I desperately tried to grab him to pull him out would have been funny had my entire morning plan not just been wiped out by the fact that men were working in the locker room and I couldn't take the shower that our schedule hinged on.

Apparently, no longer being on Prozac has hindered my ability to adapt to change. I feel a MOTY award coming on!!

Two-for-One Wednesday

Another post? Heh. You should have been in the car with Jax on the way home from dropping Ry and her friend off at acting. After 10 minutes of straight "why's" from Jax (what the "why's" were regarding, I have no idea), I stated "No more questions, Jax."



Guess what he said?

"Why!?!"



badumbum, ching.



Then we pass one of Shawn's restaurants and he starts screaming"My Daddy! My Daddy!" So I say, "What's Daddy's name?" And he goes, "Shit!" I'm pretty sure this has happened before...



And finally, we've arrived home, I've come up to my room to check email, he follows and shuts the door on the dog, laughing, getting down on his tummy so he and Lola can lick each other through the 1/2inch of space between the carpet and the door.


Now? Well, now he's climbed up on the giant chair behind, pulling my waistband-fat out and watching it snap back (snap, jiggle, whatever) and yelling, "Funny! Funny!"
Whatever this kid is on, I would like some as well. That is all.

Why Am I Not Surprised??

To find out that yes, Ryan is playing Ariel in her acting camp's production of the Wizard of Oz, and that she has lines with Harry Potter. It's like all the stars in her tiny little universe are aligning, as if every moment she's spent the past 5 years pretending to be Ariel, talking with imaginary Harry, and obsessing over the Wizard of Oz have led to this penultimate moment in time.




What? Too much pressure?

A Cinderella Story

Hoooweee. Summer is definitely on a roll. Spent part of the weekend at the lake, playing, sunning, swimming, and, yes, TUBING!! Both the kids rode the tube behind the boat with Shawn, and they had a blast. Ryan immediately went into "faster" mode, triggering long-forgotten memories of my sisters and I screaming the same thing from our skis and tubes. I finally got over my blubber-like body issues (the large life jacket helps)and jumped on with Shawn, and didn't stop laughing the entire time.

We headed back yesterday, taking the Honda in for a tune-up (something about an exhaust leak which caused us to fail or inspection. oops)and whddya know? We need a new catalytic whatchamacallit! Even as he said those words, I could just see our savings deplete to zero, until he pointed out that ours was still under warranty and would be fixed for FREE!!! Holy shit -- am I living someone else's life? Have I magically switched places with Paris Hilton, enjoying her endless run of good luck while she takes some massive helpings of the shit I'm consistently dealt? Probably not, but who cares?? I scored something free!!

Meanwhile, they've lent me a sweet little Ford Fusion, which is surprisingly very cool. Leather seats, sunroof, wood paneling, cd player - I swear, I must have died and gone to middle-class heaven. It's only ours until this afternoon, but you can bet your sweet ass we've been taking full advantage. We broke it in on a journey to the grocery store yesterday, fidgeting with the gadgets, examining the extra-large trunk, sniffing the leather... And today we're taking it on a carpool test-drive, picking up Ry's friend to take them to acting camp (where we've been informed by Ryan that they are performing the Wizard of Oz, and she will be playing Ariel. I 'll confirm/deny this rumor on Friday.)

Anyway, rather than be bitter about the fact that we're over the moon about a middle-class car we can't afford, we've decided to just enjoy the taste of luxury while we have it, which will be until 2 pm today. Then the spell breaks, our chariot turns back into a pumpkin, ummm, Honda, and we got back to wearing rags and playing with mice. Or something.

ALLLWWWWIGGGHHHTTTT

God, living with a 2 yr old Elmer Fudd impressionist is the best! So many inflections, so many tones...

There's the super-excited "ALWIGHT!!!!!" we get when he's told to go get his shoes so we can go for a walk;

There's the eyes shifting, head cocked, shoulder shrugged, big sigh "AAAHHHlwight" which usually marks our victory in getting him to pick up something;

And then we have the very short, very succinct, very furrowed-brow "alwight" when he finally gets the picture that if he doesn't stop trying to maim the dog, he will be spending the next 2 minutes in time out. I think that's my favorite.

INSANITY: The act of doing the same thing over and over again, always expecting a different result...or something like that

Things are moving right along as normal at our house. Hours spent cleaning. nothing to show for it. I did go through Ryan's closet a few days ago and totally pulled a Mommie Dearest, putting every toy, doll and dress up article into large trash bags, declaring her null and void on the toy front.

Of course I wasn't going to throw away all that stuff, but something had to happen -- things were getting broken, going missing...So yesterday I took the kiddos to IKEA, got a ton of organizational stuff, and went to work. The hanging toy-net thingy fell off it's hook under the massive weight of all her barbies, so some of those had to go. The make-shift drawers I bought (corrugated plastic and balsa-wood) will not fit all her dress-up gear, so something will have to go from that pile as well.

Is it just me, or is IKEA really just an exercise in insanity? First, their shopping carts are on some seriously screwed up casters, which makes pushing them through the store an exercise in itself. Then, everything is priced so well, you just end up throwing 30 $2.99 items into your basket until you to come to the end and realize you've racked up $100 worth of crap, finding yourself stashing unwanted things here and there as inconspicuously as possible, because if you really had to walk all the way back to replace every item you didn't want, you'd never leave the damn place. They really should have a " Point of No Return/Last Look" area like we used to at Mommy and Me, where you had one more chance to peruse all your items before checking out, and the ones you didn't want could just be stored on a nice little table for slaves to put back on the shelves for you. That way, at least they wouldn't end up going to pick up a large piece of furniture for a customer, only to find 3 hooks, a sheet set, and weird-ass looking kiddie chair where the furniture was supposed to be. I'm just sayin'...

Then you get your crap home, and here's where they get you -- it's a pain in the ass to put together their gflorified science-fair projects (remember tose balsa-wood contraptions that could hold like 250 lbs?). Mainly because the packaging is almost always missing a part, the pieces don't always fit quite right together, and who in the hell can understand those picture directions? Am I 5? Hmm...maybe I should get Ry to do it....

Anyway, I'm still in the midst of putting together the crap-ass drawer unit I was so happy to find, and even as I sit here cursing IKEA, I know that I'll be back within a month, searching for new things to buy, damning the wobbly baskets, mispronouncing the names of, uh, everything, and stashing unwanted items in the most unlikely places. Like I said, it's an exercise in INSANITY.

Crap...Are we at that stage already???

Ryan's been asking lots of questions lately, questions I am no longer able to skirt around, either. The kid can put some shit together, which means no more made-up-to-make-me-laugh answers anymore. Luckily, she's pretty good at coming up with some of her own.

Ryan: "Mom, how does God make lightning? Does he just get a lot of flashlights together and then turn them all on at once?"

Mom: "Why, yes. Yes, He does."

No one said anything about not going along with her make-me-laugh answers, right?

Hey Look -- It's 'Have a Laugh at My Expense Friday!!'

I punched myself in the nose during kickboxing today. True story. Not some little graze, either. I actually had that tingling pain when you can feel the cartilage move. That kinda punch.

What can I say? I've got a mean right hook...

Let's Get Political

There are many reasons why I love having Shawn at home. One is that it makes it so much easier to sneak away for some one-on-one time with the computer. I know most of you are thinking I'm just lazy and that's why I've been so bad about posting lately, and while that may be true, the biggest reason is that it's just too damn hard anymore. *cue world's smallest violin, etc, etc...*

We thought having Lola would distract Jax so I could get a little more done, and while she does distract him, she distracts him right between my feet. She's terrified of our little man (see previous post), and therefore takes up a permanent position at my feet, which means wherever she is is where he is and wherever I am is where she is, leaving me worse off than when we began.

Not to mention the fact that because he is a boy and therefore was born slightly brain damaged, he tends to forget (every time) that if he climbs underneath the desk he'll inevitably hit his head. Every time. Every single time. I used to feel bad for the dude, then I'd get irritated. Now I just laugh and say"Bless your Heart, you sweet little idiot..."

Anyway, back to my original point. Shawn's off today so I've been surfing for the past hour. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT? I FEEL LIKE I'M ON HOLIDAY OR SOMETHING! I checked my email, entered countless sweepstakes, checked out my fave blogs and some newly recommended ones, and now I'm gonna pass some of the wealth on to you!!

I hit the mother load with parents.com this month, so we'll just start there. They recommended a cool new site, www.cozi.com, which has a downloadable family calendar system where you can enter shopping lists, addresses, phone numbers, etc... What's great is that if you leave the house in a state of frenetic mind-boggling urgency (as I so frequently do), and happen to leave that shopping list, address, or phone number at home, you can get it texted to your cell. Cool, huh? Now if only we could afford the monthly text charges....

As for the POLITICAL, please do not cringe -- this is a good one!! There's a petition online (www.fitnessmagazine.com/petition) to encourage Congress to pass the Personal Health Investment Today Act, enabling you to be able to use up to $1000 in a pre-tax flexible spending account to pay for family fitness-related expenses, like gym memberships, sports registration fees, etc... I signed up, won't you???

And finally, here's what's making me smile now:

From the Mouth of Mommy

So here are some things I've caught myself saying lately:



"Tell me again why you had to cut open Ariel's chest...?"



"Get off your brother!"



"Are you coloring on my couch?"



"Don't throw the ball at the dog!!"



"Are you coloring on my table?"



"We do NOT throw poop -- do you hear me?"



"Sometimes Mommies yell. You just have to get over it."



"Are you coloring on my library book?"



"Don't bather the doggy unless you ask first, and we don't bathe her with cottonballs, okay?"



"I love you, too."



Oh the joy...



P.S. Taking bets on whether or not the "colored on my library book" will lead to another rousing episode of Amy vs. Ye Olde Evil Librarian. The odds aren't looking good for Amy. I'll keep you posted...

A Mommy By Any Other Name...

Here's how Ryan greeted me when entering the kitchen this evening after being called in for dinner: "Are you the rusty old pirate who invited us to dinner?"

Why, yes. Yes I am.

She did make up for it later, though, when responding to the question of whether or not she enjoyed her dinner, she closed her eyes, threw her head back and forth, and raised her hands in the thumbs-up salute.

That's my baby. Give her a lighter and a beer and she'll be ready to jam "Free Bird" with the best of 'em.

Shine on, you crazy diamond...

Sound Advice

I'd like to pass on some great advice I garnered from the latest edition of "O" Magazine. They have a columnist, Lisa Kogen, who mentioned that one of the methods she uses to pick herself up when she's having a rough day is to ask herself, "Is the name Darfur anywhere in my address?" Great advice that I quickly put to use.

Like at 4:30am this morning when Jax woke up in a fit, crying for 15 minutes before figuring out how to break the child-proof doorknob and let himself out, attacking me and dragging me back to his bed. "At least I don't live in Darfur," I mumbled.

Or later this morning when not even 90 seconds after breaking up a fight, spending much needed cleaning time soothing and smoothing things over, the ruckus began all over again. "At least I don't live in Darfur," I thought, as I pivoted on my foot and headed back to the scene of the crime.

And this evening at the grocery store, when Jax was biting Ryan's back while pulling her hair, causing Ry to scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs, that nice little turn of phrase really helped me stay calm.

That, and the iPod I had blaring in my ears.

Consider Me Slayed

By Ryan, of course. But before I fill you in on her latest antics, let me just say...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY GINGER!!" Shawn grilled a yummy dinner of chicken and shrimp to celebrate last night, and everyone went away happy and full.

Now on to Ryan. This weekend while we were at the lake, she decided to pick up my cell and call her dad. Reaching his voicemail, she proceeded to have the following conversation with herself:

"Hi Daddy! How are you?"

"Really? Great!"

"Yeah, Mommy's right here. Do you want to talk to her?"

"Okay, here she is."

At which point she hands me the phone and I'm all , "Hello?Hello?"

Shawn says all he could hear in the background was Ryan giggling then telling me, "Ha! Gotcha! It's his voice mail, Mommy!"

He loved that one. He's probably got it saved.

Then earlier today I got upset and told her "If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy"

She asked, "What does that mean?"

"It means I can make your life miserable if I want to."

Her reply: "You already did."

This kid.

Finally, after watching me schedule events, camps, vacations and more all morning long, she overheard me talking to her friend's mom about making a playdate later this week. Quickl, she jumped at the chance to talk with her friend, grabbing her clipboard and saying, "Okay, Grace, schedule in your schedule to meet me Thursday at the sprinkler park. We can schedule our schedule then for our spinkler meeting, okay?"

Grace's mom said all she heard on the other line was Grace going, "Okay." "Okay." "Okay."

Type A, anyone?

*SOMEBODY got a new hat!!*

It's hard to read, but it says "Big Daddy". Ya think he's proud???

It was one of I'm sure many souveneirs from his bike trip this past weekend to Ruidoso. He's such a rockstar. Ryan loves to say to other kids, "So what, my grandpa is a BIKER!!" hee hee.

The kids and I had a great time keeping Menana company, laying out at the beach, swimming in the pool (Ry and Jax spent their pool time antagonizing college boys by jumping on their heads and stealing the football they were throwing around. hee hee) , watching movies, eating pizza..and that was only Saturday! Sunday was a nature walk/picnic/golf cart-ride extravaganze, followed by a long siesta and a ride home, where we met Daddy at the movies to see Shrek the Third.

This is when the "Happy Happy, Joy Joy" ended. Shawn didn't get to his courtyard eatery in time before they closed (which apparently is 5:58), so he threw a fit and told them they "suck", while Ry, Jax and i just laughed, eating our pizza in harmony.

Shrek was fine, at least the first hour, but then Jax had finished all the popcorn, soda and candy, was still hungry, which we all know leads to pissy, which we all know leads to Mommy taking him home in the middle of the movie, leaving Rya and Shawn to enjoy the rest in silence.

So there went the $50 Ginger gave me for my birthday. Money well spent.

It never fails to end this way, and yet I never fail to keep trying to make it turn out with a happy ending. Isn't there a definition of INSANITY in there somewhere??

A Pinch of This, A Dash of That

WARNING: The following paragraph is not for the dainty, precious, well-mannered or overall uppity type of person.

So yesterday we had Family Friday at the Y, which meant 4 straight hours of no kiddos for me and Shawn. Shawn didn't actually make it home until around 4:45, and once he did get home, he spent the following hour on the crapper. Thanks, honey. You know just how to make a girl feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

Seriously, what is it with Dudes and #2? Why does it take soooo long? Me, I'm in and out in under 2-5 minutes. Him? ALWAYS an hour at least. ALWAYS. And always at the least opportune time, like 5:30 pm when I've been praying for him to get home as the kids are trying to kill each other and I make dinner, or when I'm waiting for him to meet me at home for 4 hours of Mommy and Daddy time.

I think it must be that God knew women would majorily take the position of staying home with the children, unable to take an hour of non-interruption to sit in the bathroom and do their thing. He knew we'd get 5 minutes max, so he made it super-easy on us. For the men? Well, God must be a man. That's all I can think of, because only a man would allow for other men to take a mini-vacay everytime they have to do the doody.

Anyway, we did end up having a great night, out to eat at Juniors on Main in Round Rock, and then picked up the kids and took them across the street to Sonic to enjoy milkshakes.

But that meant a late night, which means a cranky Jax, who no matter what time he beds down for the night, is always always always awake by 6:30 the next morning. Always.

So... we'll soon be leaving for the lake and a weekend with Menana who is all alone while Big Daddy does his biker thing in Ruidoso.

But before we go, I'd like to leave you with a pic of Ryan and Lola, to tide you over until I return on Monday. Have fun!!

All the Pomp, None of the Circumstance

Ryan had her graduation ceremony yesterday. From preschool. And I cried. Like a baby.



So did every other mother, father, granmother, grandfather, aunt and uncle in attendance. The only oned who didn't make asses of themselves were the brothers and sisters of the fraduates, who either had no idea what was going on, or were secretly thinking, "Just wait till they get to Kindergarten--suckers!!"

Somebody Gimme a Gold Star

Not only was I able to just laugh at the scene of Jaxson finger-painting himself and the driveway with his diarrhea, I was completely composed, wiped him off without a fight, and managed to get him to a bath with no argument whatsoever.

I do need to give credit to Ryan, who was a wonderful supporting player in my success, but don't let that diminish the great feat I achieved, which a week ago would have sent me straight to Betty Ford or the Funny Farm, whichever is closer.

The Sweet Escape

I've been a bad, bad girl, I know: not blogging for days, having nothing funny when I do get around to posting, and putting up more photos than you'd prefer.



I'd like to say that I'm sorry, but that would be a lie. It's become excrutiating for me to write about what should be funny moments (like when I spent 10 minutes circling a 6 foot puddle in the Y parking lot, trying to catch Jax as he splashed in and out of the 6" deep water) but which lately just have me curling into a ball and crying.



What the fuck is wrong with me?? Chasing Jax around stagnant water? In my heyday I could've turned that into a knee-slapping 5 paragraph-long post. Where did my sense of humor go? I'm not sure I labeled it, but it's a little dark and twisty and always ready to tease anyone with a pulse; if you see it, could you please return it to me?



And now, for the dreaded photo-of-the-day (an unfortunate trend which will continue until previously mentioned funny bone finds its way back): I've titled this one, "Shawn's Wet Dream". Enjoy.

Can't think of a title as am laughing too hard...

at the shitty-ass spelling/grammer and all-around horrendous typo's from the March 9th post. Sorry 'bout that...

QOTD

Ryan: (as she watches me change out of my bathingsuit) "Mommy, when I get as old as you, will my boobies hang down like yours?"

Don't Even Start With Me (or, I'm sorry it's been so long)

I know, I know. April ended and I went right back to my old habits of not posting for days. That's seems about right, though, doesn't it?

Let's see, we got a dog last weekend, and Ry tooks some cute pics but I haven't had a chance to upload them because it takes an hour on this computer, and realy, who has that kind of time?

Not me, especially after all of the stress pain issues. According to the neurologist, there's not really any reason for me to be having pain, except for the carpal tunnel, which you really can't do much about, so basically i'm screwed.

In terms of my neck and back/shoulder pain, it's begun to cease, as I have worked at de-stressing by cooking elaborate meals for the fam and even making our own bread. Yes, it sounds as though I'd be creating more stress, but I really like it, and I'm good at it, and there ain't much I can say that about, soI'm not gonna go lookin' any gifthorses in the mouth, ya know? (Sorry, just watched the E!THS on Rachael Ray, and now I'm apparently channeling her. EVOO, anyone?)

Ummm, never see Shawn, so that's the same, the kids are driving me crazy, so that's the same, and I've still got those extra 10 pounds hanging on, so realy you guys haven't missed all that much.

I will try to recap the funny for you, though, just 'cause I'm feelin' guilty...

Last night, after I ye;;ed at Shawn for getting home from work way too late, he asked why I was so strung out over the kids. Rather than submit to my first instinct and give him a good old-fashioned Lorena Bobitt, I listed what had occured just within the span of the previous 18 hours:

Ryan continues to talk back, stick out her tongue roll her eyes at me, and completelyignore verything I say. All before breakfast.

Both the kids attack me at 6:30 am, Jaxson literally pulling me out of the bed. Instead of going to the coffee pot, I race after them out the door to try and get the "potty trained" dog to do her thing. After 20 minutes of nothing, we head inside where I see that Jax has shit oozing out of his diapers. Seeing me approach for a diaper change, he immediately rolls around on the carpet, smearing the green crap everywhere.

After finally cleaning out his diarrhea-riddled rear, I head downstairs only to see that now the dog has shit on my carpet, so I deal with that. All still before breakfast.

Breakfast is as usual, both kids begging for their food right NOW, Ryan complaining that Jax got more, Jax begging for juice, Ryan begging for juice, Ryan demanding a different colored straw than the one I handed her, Jax spilling his juice the minute he gets his hands on it, Mommy cleaning up the mess, Ryan demanding the tv be turned on, Jax begging for more juice, Mommy giving Jax more juice, but in a squeeze bottle so as to avoid another spill, Ryan asking for more cereal, Jax asking for more cereal, Ryan eating 2 bites of her cereal refill, declaring herself full, Jax doing the same and whining to be helped down, Ryan complaining about being made to take her bowl to the sink, Jax squeezing out the juice from his sports bottle onto the carpet, em on my hands and knees for the 3rd time that day all before 8am.

Half an hour later, I've broken up 3 fights, 2 between Ryan and Jax, one between Jax and the dog and thrown together a semblance of a lunch for Ryan. Then it's time to wrestle both of the into their clothes and beg Ryan to comb her hair while i attempt to get dressed as Jaxson dismantles the calm, peaceful bath accessories arranged in my garden bath while smearing a stolen tube of lipstick on the walls.

The clock is pushing 9 am and I'm trying desperately to get everyone in the car with all required accessories, making several trips back inside for forgotten backpacks, binkies, drinks and snack for the car trip. Yes, snacks. For the kids who couldn't finish their cereal, they were so full.

We make it o our destination in one piece, and I struggle to get both of them into the school, where Ryan throws her backpack at me and runs to her friends, and Jax hits the surrounding classrooms, literally kicking down toys and laughing before moving on to his next target.

I blow kisses at Ryan, search and rescue Jax (and the toys he's escaped with) and make it back to the car by 9:45, dragging Jaxson behind me with my left hand, because according to the "doc", I should really try to avoid using my dominant Right hand whenever possible. I make plans with a friend to take the kids to the bouncy place after school (it's half-price day), and venture back to the house and the waiting list of things to do.

By the time we get back, it's about 10:15, so I feed Jax another snack, put on a cartoon and start cleaning the kitchen from the morning's breakfast debacle. At 11 I put him down for his nap, fighting the urge to lay down as well, and continue my Cinderella chores until 1 when I get him up to get in the car to fetch Ryan.

We retrieve Ry from her classroom, I heft Jax like a football in my left arm, and we make it to the parking lot in record time. Then Jax takes off the minute I set him down to unlock the car (damn those manual locks!) and crawls into a storm drain to hide from me.

Seriously? You try dragging a 30 pound monster out of a storm drain using only your left arm in 80 degree humidity. Do it. I dare you.

I finally wrangle him into the car and the int's off to the mall and the jumping place (and, hopefully, so peace and quiet!) Except, I don't really get to visit with my friend 'cause her kid is potty training and goes twice in her undies, in between the 7 bathroom visits they take while the other kids jump and i watch. Lonely.

I decide to get up and jump with the kids for a bit, mostly because that'll be the only workout I get that day, but also cause I'd love to actually enjoy my kids once in a while. We have fun, but mommy gets tired, so its out I go.

10 minutes later, Ry and her friend come running ahead of another mother who is carrying a crying Jax. Seems as though he got his ass kicked by a little girl. Sweet. Shawn'll love that.

We eventually make it home after again having to drag/carry a screaming, kicking Jax through the mall, and I usher the kiddos outside so I can get started on dinner (aka: drink). 2 minutes later and here comes Ryan, eager to tell me all about how Jax dumped out Shawn's bag of coal for the grill and is throwing it at her and the dog. Sure enough, Jax comes stomping in seconds later, black hand just a reachin' for Mommy.

i clean him up, and send him to the playroom to play with his cars, while Ryan continued to play outside, regaling the neighborhood with her own rendition of "Copa Cabana" (we named the dog Lola). As I'm preparing the fish, I look up to see Jax sticking pennies in the gas outlet by the fireplace. Lovely, lovely.

It's now 5:30 and I don't want to even look at my kids anymore, much less interact with them.

I finish the dinner a little after 6, break up 6 or 7 more fights, and the 3 of us sit down to eat at 6:30. Notice I said the THREE of us -- Shawn's still not home, and today was an "early" day.

We finish our meal, I put Jax to bed, and not 5 minutes later his Father walks through the door. Of course he does.

I hand over Ryan, clean up the kitchen, and then wait for him to come back downstairs so I can vent.

So that's it. That was yesterday in a nutshell, today was just as good, but it's now after 11pm and I've got to be up to do it all over again at 6:30, so you'll have to wait til later to hear Wednesday's story.

Trust me, it's worth coming back for.

Something to Make Us (me, anyway) Smile...

*can you smell my heart melting?*
Caught in the act of...STUPIDITY ("Where'd the rest of the damned cork go? Another wasted bottle of wine..."
And now I know I've been cai=ught, so I just smile and nod, smile and nod.

He's gonna kill me. Both of them.

"'schuze Me Ociffer Bar...I'waz shjust goin' home.. (hiccup)"
I'm not even gonna try to guess what was going on here

ROAD TRIP!!
Sweet Baby

I Learned It By Watching You

I'm thinking of using this humorously-remembered phrase from the 80's on a new product at chunkyrhino. Ironically enough, Shawn just sent me here to watch the "Children See Children Do" video on YouTube. Now that quote isn't quite as funny, especially as I'm watching Ryan yell and scream at Jax, just like I do. Or when I reflect on how the childcare people at the Y commented last week on what a bully Jax is becoming, and then I see him, Ryan and Shawn roughhousing to the point that someone gets hurt.

We used to do that all the time, and while it may be all in innocent fun, someone does always get hurt, and the effects tend to last longer than you'd think. In my case, I still feel the knee-jerk urge to hit, even after all the therapy I've been through. I'm not blaming anyone, I had amazing parents, but when I think about the things I do and when I hear myself say that I don't want them to turn out like me, I have to stop myself and think, "wouldn't it just be easier all around if I made ME better, so they could learn to be like ME without it being such a bad thing?"

If only the desire were the hard part. I struggle with dealing with my "makeover" every time they start yelling or kicking or screaming, and then I boil up and start yelling and I see that my best intentions are just that -- intentions -- unless I work harder to make them reality.

If our kids aren't worth working harder for, what is?

P.S. I still kinda think the T-shirt quote is funny.

My Head Is Killing Me

Literally. Apparently, all of my ailments of late can be traced back to my head. From stressing out to clenching my teeth, the fact that my neck is out of alignment and the upper portion of my cervical spine tilts the wrong way, adding 20 pounds to the weight of my head, not to mention the fact that we sleep on a 20-something year old mattress. All of the above is why I can't feel my finger tips anymore, and why I feel like someone has a vise permanently gripped onto my funny bone.

In my efforts to solve this problem, I have been on no less than 6 doctor's visits over the span of a week: Chiropractor, Acupuncturist, Certified Massage Therapist, Neurologist. They all have conflicting ideas as to what it is exactly (skeletal/ muscular/nerve)that's causing the pain, each one insisting the problem lies within their area of expertise. They at least do all agree that whatever it is generates from the head/neck/upper body region, they just all attribute it to different causes. Fun with docs!! I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow morning, so that should be nice and claustrophobic, and then I'm scheduled for a multitude of follow-ups, so I'll be sure to keep you guys posted.

You'd think with all this medical attention I could get some sort of pain medication, but so far all I've been prescribed is Neurontin, the neurological drug that controls seizures and convulsions. Now Honey and I have something else in common! Soon, I'll be talking to dolls and challenging the toaster to a fight. I'm actually very excited.

Jax and Ry go to the ENT tomorrow morning, to check on Ry's lack of hearing and Jax's raging infection. I'm really looking to forward to that one, as well. Can't wait to hear what type of surgery they'll insit we schedule asap.

Jaxson is still waking at night, though not as often, and now it's gotten to the point where it's really kinda funny. The dude (all ultra-thick 30 pounds of him) blockades himself against his door during his wailing fits, which is where he inevitably ends up sleeping until I go to move him, which is a dance of it's own, where I find myself cracking the door just so, enough that I feel the dead weight of his meaty little frame, but not so much that I pinch his arm or leg under the door. Then I have to get down on all fours, and maneuver my hand through the crack and back around in an attempt to nudge him away enough that I can slide in without smushing him, which is continually becoming an even bigger ordeal seeing as how I've gone ahead and managed to add 8 pounds to my meaty little frame over the course of the past month.

Once all is said and done, I feel super-triumphant, until I accidentally step on his head in the dark and then the whole high-wire act I just performed is rendered pointless. Such is life in our house.

Ryan had her dress rehearsal in acting class today, and she did a great job, except for the fact that she kept her costume pulled down over her head and when she did look at us, she did so with her tongue sticking out. She knew her lines and her cues, but we didn't really hear them as she whispered most of them and Jax was laughing and pointing at her, yelling "Funny!" the whole time.

And it was. It was.

New York, New York

A funny thing happened on the way to the mad house...

I gave my friend Angie a purse I'd bought in New York, and when she went to use it the other day, she found...my CAMERA!!! Apparently, I had put it inside the purse for safe-keeping. I am so smart.

Anyway, you can check out the full collection of pics here.

Meanwhile, I took some great video of Ry at her Spring Performance yesterday, but I've got to charge the camera so I can upload them. If it ain't one thing, it's another.

Stay tuned...I have lots of funny stories of my escapades with "doctors", Jaxson, and this horrible pain that just won't go away.

Earth Father

I pride myself on being as "green" as possible. You know how I love my organics, and my non-toxic earth-friendly cleaning supplies, but I was outdone this past Earth Day by Shawn, who decided to plant a sweet little oak tree in the gaping privacy-hole through which the perverted minister who lives across the way likes to peek at me while in my undies making breakfast. But that's neither here nor there.

Shawn planted a tree!! Woohoo!! And in the time-tested tradition of photo-documentation, we have decided to map the growth of our 3rd child along with our other 2, as seen below:

(The tree is that sickly little skinny thing Jax is itching to yank out of the ground, in case ya didn't know...)

Off-Topic Tuesday

(Yes, I do realize how dangerously close I'm getting to using cute catch-phrases for all the days of the week on this blog. I have contacted the necessary officials and the matter should be cleared up shortly.)

Anyway, I was listening to Air America this morning (aaghh! run & hide -- chunkyrhino is LIBERAL!), and while I usually stay away from politics on the blog (which as those of you who know me understand how hard that is for me, but also how necessary; heart attacks run rampant in my family, no need to stoke the fire) I felt compelled to write a little about a topic they were covering this morning.

Actually, it's not even a political issue per se, just a national issue, and one I'm surprised hasn't surfaced on a national level earlier.

The talk show host was mentioning an email he'd received from a listener who also happens to be a commander in the Armed Forces, commenting on how although he understands and supports the rationale behind the national show of support for the citizens who lost their lives last week at VA Tech by flying the flag at half mast, he is confused as to why no one flies their flags at half mast every time we lose a soldier overseas in the never-ending pissing game that is the war in Iraq.

I was awestruck at what a simple yet symbolic act this would be as a way of showing support for our troops, and flummoxed by the reality that no one has done this sooner, at least not on a national level.

Why not? Why not show the same support to the kids who lose their lives on an almost daily basis, fighting in the name of our country? I'm not sure why it's not already put into practice, but I don't see why we can't start now.

Let's talk to our employers and the places of business we frequent who fly the flag and request that they honor our fallen soldiers from now until the end of the war ( no timetables, please -- we wouldn't want to put any pressure on the "Decider") by flying their flag at half-mast. Let's start a grass-roots movement! (YeeHaw!!)

It might not be huge, but it's doable. It's something. And it's (gasp!) NON-PARTISAN. Red, Blue, Green...we all understand the sacrifices being made, let's at least unite by honoring them, without worrying about which side is right or wrong.

Otherwise, what's the point?

Sister Mary Ryan

I thought it was bad when I picked the kids up from Angie's the other day (she was watching them for me while I visited an acupuncturist/chiropractor about my injury) and she told me she caught Hunter and Ryan smoochin' on the front porch. The same Hunter who we found with Ryan in her closet while she was naked. Yep, that one. I adore that kid, so I guess if there's any boy she should betrothe herself to through her acts of "love", he'll do just fine (and believe me, I do mean betrothe).

But then I found out she was flashing her girlie-parts to Hunter and his brother Jayden on the porch, as well. And now I'm considering sending her to nunnery. And no, I'm not kidding.

I am mortally freaked out, and it's taking all my strength to keep from showing my freaked-out-edness, so as not to "make a big deal" of it.

I was the prude of prudes, terrified of kissing, even in college -- I was just insecure and scared, scared, scared. This must be something she gets from her sexually-promiscuous father, who is away at work so much that unfortunately the act of disciplining her for this type of behavior lies on me, the one who for years masqueraded her ginormous chest so as not to give boys any reason to pay her any "dirty" attention. And I do mean "dirty".

I am seriously hyperventillating, and checking out everything from The Sound of Music to The Flying Nun, in a last-ditch effort to save her from what is surely the path to stripperdom and prostitution. Seriously. Seriously.

Bedtime Story

These days, the only time I can get Ryan to be nice to Jax is generally if he's hurt himself and she decides to Florence Nightengale him, or when it's bedtime and she wants to take over as "Mommy". Hey, I'll take it where I can get it, so I'm happy to let her take over. Especially when I get to hear stuff like this:

Ryan had picked up one of her old books, "Hush Little One", and decided that that would be the book she would read to him this evening. After asking me the name of the book, she went about the task of "reading" the pictures:

Ryan:"And the birdies hush, and the rabbits hush and the deer hush, and now Jax you hush, too.."

to which Jax replied, "...three."

I may be the only one laughing, but I don't care.

The Circle of Life

Okay, so here we are again, illness dumped on us like the tons of chains cascading on the bad guys in that movie of movies, "Twins".

Shawn's down with strep, the kids have genetic diseases lurking all around, and now I've got nerve damage that would take your breath away.

Seems like we just can't resist bringing it on all at once, huh? There's got to be a hidden meaning or something in that. I've just removed myself from some major drama, thinking I would be able to breathe and relax and enjoy life more, only to open the door to this mess.

I know one moved out of the way to make room for the other, but would it be a crime to ask all of the wolves to just take a vacation for a month or two? Would that be so bad? I hear Hawaii is beautiful this time of year.

Lil' Miss Ryan Had a Farm...

Over dinner just now, Ryan up and declared, "Whew! I sure am tired from milking that cow!"

"What cow?"

"The one in the backyard."

"ummm, is this an invisible cow?"

No, Mom. Look at the treehouse. I pretended the top part was the cow's body, the posts were its legs, the rope hanging down in the middle is the cow's weiner--"

"You mean tit?"

"Yeah, whatever. The sit and spin was the stool and I used the pot from the crawfish boil to catch the milk. I've even got my trusty milking boots (proudly displays rainboots)."



Ilooked outside, and sure enough, there was the sit'n spin, and the pot under the rope, and you know what? It took a minute, but I could TOTALLY see Bessie out there just waitin' to graze...

Fun with Neurofibromitosis

Right, so remember how I told you at the kids' doctor appointment they were comcerned with their cafe au lait spots (nee "birthmarks")? Well, just in case that wasn't enough to stress a mommy out, let's just take it to the next level, shall we?

Got a phone call from the ped yesterday saying that due to the fact that even though the disease may not run in the family, the gene can mutate or something, so they want us to go ahead and see the geneticist, except be warned: "she's kinda cold, not at all "warm and fuzzy", and we have a really hard time getting her notes from patients we refer, so after you see her, could you call us and tell us what she says?

"And by the way, the disease can also cause nodules to grow on the eyeball, and since Ryan had trouble with her vision screening, why don't you tale her to an Opthamologist rather than an Optometrist so they can really check out her eyes and see what's going on."

Sweet.

Well There You Have It

We took the kiddos to their 5 and 2 yr appointments today, respectively.

Ryan did amazingly well with her shots, but they can't figure out why she doesn't have full hearing in her right ear, or why she and Jax have so many large, light-colored splotches on their bodies. Apparently, that's a symptom of Neurofibromitosis, although Shawn says "we always called 'em 'birthmarks'". Regardless, they're a mystery.

Speaking of which, the mystery of Jax's "stinky ear" has been solved. Seems it's nothing more than a big ole nasty raging ear infection. Which is what Shawn has been predicting for about the past 2 months. Which means if this thing is a nasty monster, it's fault for dismissing the ear infection idea. Which means you can mark me up even higher on the MOTY list.

Apparently, Shawn never speaks his appreciation of me because I don't do anything to deserve it. The clothes he needs never seem to be clean, nor is the house; I can't get Ryan to stay in her bed or stop talking back; I rely on take out much more than a stay-at-home mother should; and now to top it all off, his instincts regarding the kids' health are better than mine.

It's lucky that I come equipped with a vagina, or he might as well just put me out with the rest of the unused crap we throw away twice a week.

Too much going on. Head close to explosion.

Yikes! Looks like I'm not as good at keeping up with this albatross around my neck, um, I mean, blog, as I want to be! Sorry, Chaika!

We had such an insane week -- one of those that you know must have been bad because nothing actually got done and you can't remember half of what you did.

Let's see...Wednesday, I eliminated Jax's naps, and the sky came crashing down.

Thursday, we went to the Round Rock Express Game, but only after I screamed for an hour at Shawn due to lack of sleep and his preference to go play golf over coming home to relieve me for a much-needed nap (see Wednesday) and the stress of finding all the red permanent markings Jax had drawn on the walls, stairs, furniture, decor, etc...

Friday, Shawn was off from work, and spent the day mulching the lawn while I mopped the floor, cleaned the kitchen, and scrubbed the bathrooms. We finally managed to get to dinner around 8pm with Nana and Shawn's Uncle Kevin, a dinner that started out lovely but ended in a freezing monsoon.

Saturday was Jax's birthday, and Shawn and I stupidly decided to celebrate with a crawfish boil. In 57 degree weather. For the first time. Long story short, after waiting 3 hours for the pot to boil outside, we finally decided to bring the boil into the kitchen and played musical pots with the 37 pound of crawfish we'd bought. Once we finally got everything cooked, the meal was great, though we'd lost 1/4 of our guests and had to eat huddled over the table, shrouded in fleece and sweatsuits. Nevertheless, Jax had a great time, got way too many gifts, and finally slept somewhat through the night (only woke up at 5:30!!).

Sunday was Fredericksburg with Shawn's family, where every store we wanted to visit was closed, but we did manage to spend ample time in the local brewery, where Jax entertained all with his rebel ways and new mowhawk (yes, I did!)

Today we've got shots for both of them, so I'm certain you'll have a much more humorous post to look foreward to this evening.

Cheers!