Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Talking Points

Ryan: "Mom, today in Music, G. told me to smell her butt." (giggle)

Me: "Why would she do that?"

Ry: (shrug)"Idunno, I guess she just wanted me to."

Me: "Did you?"

Ry: "Yep. And then she smelled mine."

Me: "That's disgusting."

Ry: "It was fun! Don't forget to tell Daddy when you talk to him on the phone that I smelled G.'s butt, okay??"

Jaxson, in his typical toddler way, is havinf a little trouble with saying his words correctly. For instance:

DRINK = Tink

TRUCK = Guck

And my personal fave:

FATHER = Fucker

He is such a good little boy.

You Better Not Cry

We took the kids to see Santa this weekend. Let's see how that went...

AndHere are the rest of the pics from the Walk of Lights.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

On Not Losing Hope

So. Shortly after that last post (actually, it was 90 seconds), I chopped all my hair off.

I was going to shave it, but I thought that might be more on the side of crazy than I wanted, and I knew Shawn would never speak to me again.

I needed to let go of something. Plus, my split ends were horrendous.

The great effect of this drastic move was not a new haircut, but rather the company of my friend Elisa, whom I called upon to "even out the back". You should have seen the look on her face when she showed up .

Anyway, I got to vent and release a lot of that Mommy crap that builds up (or, as Lea Ann says, "bitterness" -- no one likes her very much) and decided to quit bitching and play. So, the kids and I went to the park, leaving behind a filthy house, long to-do list, and extra diapers.

Here are the pics.

Afterwards, we tried the movies, where it was $1 Wednesday, but as soon as we ran out of candy, Jax was out, soggy diaper drooping, and we were gone.

I then proceeded to attempt a nap, a feat Jaxson was hell bent on prohibiting. So, I locked them out of the house while I cleaned the kitchen (not that it makes it much easier to sweep the floor when your 19 month old is banging on the glass door, snot and tears streaming down his face as he screams "Mommy!")

We got things situated, I realized (too late) that it was the cursed day of the week, resigned myself to the fact that the rest of the day wasn't gonna get much better, and grabbed myself a beer.

I'm feeling much better now.

I Hate the Holidays

I used to love them. I used to get excited and worked up over all the little details, all the special moments, all the lights and warmth and togetherness.

Then I had kids.

With one, it was still fun -- the excitement of fall, the anticipation of family and friends, presents and more.

Now that there are two of them and I'm outnumbered, I can totally understand why the suicide rate increases so drastically this time of year.

Ryan's in school, which means lots of new activities and parties and desserts to be made and treats to be packaged and guilt over not being able to volunteer because of Jaxson, who refuses to accept the term "Sit Still". I love to bake, I love spending time in the kitchen and making yummy homemade goodies. I love giving our creations to our friends and family, neighbors and acquaintances. I do not love how much it costs to purchase all the items needed. I do not love the grocer's exuberance over providing hundreds of foil roasting pans for turkey and such, but no extra foil pie pans. I was THIS CLOSE to having a Steve Martin "Father of the Bride" moment in the store yesterday. THIS CLOSE.

I love spending time with family, I do not love it that everyone in my family is childless, and can therefore afford to do the things we cannot, yet still insist on having us do them anyway. I do not like my inability and unwillingness to say NO.

I love the convenience of credit. I do not love the credit companies.

I love having a clean, inviting home during the holidays. I do not love mopping the floor,then finding it sticky with juice, scratched by rocks, and cluttered with crumbs 10 minutes later. I do not love doing the massive amount of dishes from baking and such, only to turn around and find that the 2- gallon tupperware bowl my husband thought would fit the turkey is now sitting, covered in turkey juice, in the sink. I do not love that.

I love spreading holiday cheer (can't you tell?) by sending treats with Shawn to his employees. I do not love that after a long day of cleaning, re-cleaning, shopping, baking, cooking, and laundry, all my husband can think to ask me is "Did you iron my clothes yet?", and "why are you even making this stuff?"

I love being able to provide a calm, relaxing atmosphere for Shawn to come home to after a bad day at work. I love the clean bedroom, covers turned down in case he wants to rest a bit, the low lighting, etc. I do not love the way he decided to shit all over it by throwing his crap everywhere for me to pick up.

I do not love all the requests for donations I cannot turn down, yet really can't afford. Teacher gifts, aide gifts, "special"(music, pe, worship) teacher gifts. I do not like it when the Fraternal Order of Police calls me to chastise me for never sending in the contribution I pledged. I do not like that.

I hate the people all around you, with their slimy, stinky, rude kids pushing and shoving and running over toes. I hate the commercialism of Christmas, and the fact that everyone completely skips over Thanksgiving. I hate how greedy we all are, how we are made to feel less-than if we don't own EVERYTHING.

I hate "holiday schedules", which throw my entire world into a whirlwind of chaos, leaving Ryan waiting half an hour for me at school because it turns out that yes, they did cancel Spanish class, regardless of what 3 different parents and the assistant principal said.

I hate my dry skin.

But, I hope everyone has a VERY Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Look What We Got!!!

A new camera!! Finally, no more waiting for family and friends to email me pics!!

So, in honor of Amy and Shawn's early Christmas present, here are some photos, which prove that no matter how nice the camera is, if you suck at taking pictures, the pictures will suck.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Running Commentary

Lately, Ryan seems to be more verbal than normal. I never thought it was possible, but when it gets to be around 5pm and you realize that every discussion you have had with her that day has yet to possess a full sentence uttered without her interrupting, you start to catch on.

She is just so involved with explaining things to you, asking you to explain them to her, and reaffirming your explanation with an explanation of her own that does not quite fit, but works well enough that you let it slide just so she will STOP TALKING.

Mom: Ryan, you need to wear a sweater over your leotard to dance.
Ryan: Why?
Mom: Because it's cold and windy outside.
Ryan: It's okay that it's cold, Mom. The cold is good because it helps planes fly faster.
Mom: Oh yeah?
Ryan: Yeah, the cold is good because it's really windy and blows really hard and fast and that makes the plane go faster.

Mom: Ryan, you need to hurry up and finish eating.
Ryan: Mom, it's okay if I go slow eating my pizza. Know why?
Mom: Why?
Ryan: Because if I go too fast I could make myself not breathe and then I would not be breathing and then I would be dead.

Ryan: Mom, you really shouldn't talk on the phone when you drive. Know why?
Mom: Why?
Ryan: Because you could be talking and not see that you are flying and then we would be dead.

I've forgotten the rest. There're so many, and they are sooooo random, they all begin to meld together.

Oh. Except for this one:

Mom: (reading "Harry Potter" aloud a bedtime) ...blah, blah, Harry Potter, blah, magic, blah, blah, wizard, blah.
Ryan: Excuse me, Mom.
Mom: (extremely exasperated sigh) What, Ryan?
Ryan: I need to get up and throw these boogers away. Know why? Cause they're yucky and gross and they're boogers and I don't want them crawling all over me while I sleep! You know, Harry once had boogers crawling all over him...
Mom: Good night, Ry.

Couldn't have said it better, Jax...

My PMDD has reared its ugly, impatient, pissy head this month, leaving me depressed, sad, and bleegggghhhh. That said, I haven't felt like writing much lately, so I'll just offer up some pics from Wurstfest. Love to you all, and I'm sure I'll have something funny for you later -- it is Wednesday, after all.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Thanks, Mom

So I got a call from my Mom this morning. The kids are at the lake and Ryan wanted to talk to me. As soon as she got on the phone and we had gotten as far as "Hi Mommy!", she started screaming and hollering, to the point that the call had to be ended.

When Mom called me back a little later, she said Ryan had been so excited about talking to me, that she was bouncing around and fell and slammed her face against the hard-wood arm of a chair. They eventually calmed her down, telling her to breathe and asking her to smile, which she refused to do. Finallly, she excused herself from the others, declaring that she needed some "private time" to watch Sponge Bob. Then my mom walked into her bedroom closet and found Jaxson hiding, eating breath mints.

Mom: "Amy? This is what happens when you procreate."

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Mirror Image

We all know that Ryan is an actress. So I don't think twice when I see her watching herself in the mirror as she's talking, brushing her teeth, breathing... (But it does bring back some painful, painful memories of the make-believe tv show "Cooking With Kiki" I used to performin my bathroom mirror. Painful, painful memories.)

But I was gobsmacked when I caught Jax, my little BIG MAN, mugging in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, wiggling his eyebrow, slanting his eyes, grinning as if to say , "Alright alright alright. Lookin' good Mr. Kott-air. Yeaaah, baby *wink*)

Impressed at how I morphed him into Wooderson, Boom-Boom and Austin Powers, all in one long run-on sentence?

Sunday, November 5, 2006

And no, I don't care.

Does anyone know where I can shop for a nice gently used digital cam for not a lot of money? I have failed to protect my current one from my children, and have recently missed out on many kodak moments like Ryan running around with her shirt over her head yelling, "I'm a crazy scarecrow!"

And while we're at it, how the hell do I save my dvd movies to the computer so I can upload them for you good people to see?

Yes, I am that nerd who's not even cool enough to know the cool nerd stuff.

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Alrighty Then

Nothing to sober you up after a night of drinking with the neighbors like having them tell you, as they are leaving, "Oh, by the way -- you can totally see into your bathroom window from our yard. 'Night!"

Thursday, November 2, 2006

I Am The Pig

I couldn't have said it better, George. (In regards to Jaxson, that is.) The kid's been leaking personality lately, and more than anything he is turning out to be a pig. Another strike against the pedi -- I distinctly remember them stating that once he hit this age his appetite would decrease. That was 6 months ago and we're still waiting.

He will eat anything that doesn't move, and when he can't find anything to eat, he eats his fingers. His fingers. He's becoming the bulemic little girl I always feared I'd have. Was that too crass, even for me? Seriously, we're having to swat him to get him to stop gagging himself, because along with being a pig, he's double-entendred me and also developed into a ham. We are just now traning him to stop sticking his finger in his nose every time he hears the word. (I'd show you the initial nose-picking dinner video if I could figure out how to save the damn thing on the computer.)

I digress.

Really, he has me freaking out. I cannot stop feeding the child. He begs and whines and grunts and squeals until you give him something, and if you try to be strong and resist, because, for the love of God, you just fed him 2 bowls of oatmeal, a banana, granola bar and yogurt, and it's only 8:30 am, he goes for the jugular. My breaking point is about the time he starts slamming his head into the floor. Shawn can go until Jax starts hyperventilating. I wanna be like him when I grow up.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Halloween is SO last month

This is not like me. I typically mourn the passing of Halloween for at least a week, albeit due to a serious candy overdose. But this year?

This year, Ryan is in preschool, dance and gymnastics. This year we had 5 Halloween parties to attend, 3 where we had to show up in costume.

On top of that, this year I decided to test my limits and hold an inaugural Halloween Cook-Out at our house, instead of our normal "avoid middle-school trick-or-treaters by going out to eat ritual". This is a very run of the mill occurence for us -- we are always having people over to eat, usually once a week, if not more often. But, this was Halloween, Amy's Crack Holiday, and I wanted to "decorate". Me. The former DRAMA teacher.

I had a vision, thanks to memories of Haunted Houses visited as a child and a few back issues of Martha Stewart Living: Halloween. Unfortunately, my vision was most likely completed in days and weeks (not hours), and most definitely required a team of trolls to help set up, shop, construct costumes, and clean (not just me, myself and I). When I was teaching theatre, I had classfuls of trolls ready and willing (read: legally required by law) to help me out.

I won't bore you with specifics, but my vision did not come to fruition. The decor was half-ass at best, Jax's costume (should he have chosen to wear it) was ridiculous, and cleaning entailed stuffing closets with crap that I now get to spend my day sorting through.

This year, we were supposed to be The Wizard of Oz. Out of necessity, Ryan was a brilliant Dorothy (pics to come), Jax was to be Toto (complete wih basket), I was to be Glenda, and Shawn would be The Scarecrow, Tin Man, The "Big Head", or the Wicked Witch of the West -- we were still deciding on MOnday night. I was to make all the costumes. By "make", I mean throw stuff together that I've found lying around the house to pass off as abstract versions of the characters we were intending to represent. I'm resourceful like that.

Ry's costume was awesome, mostly because Ninny bought the dress, and I gave in and bought a wig. Jax's costume started out with great intentions -- weeks ago, I purchased a black sweat suit and fuzzy gray and black yarn to create the Toto look, along with a large wicker basket that we would cut out so he could stand inside it. Over the course of many weeks, I was only able to sew the front panel of the hoodie, and saved the rest for yesterday. By 6 pm, when our guests were due to arrive, i was burning myself with the hot glue gun trying to get the outfit to resemble something furry, scrapping the idea of ears altogether. My hope was that when he was in the basket walking beside Ryan, it would just be obvious. I am nothing if not over-confident.

He hated the basket, freaking out until we removed it, then insisted on wearing the hoodie unzipped, looking like a graying Hairy Man in reverse.

Then Trick or Treaters showed up and Ryan gave them all of our candy. At 6 pm. ALL. OF. IT.

Luckily, Ninny brought more, so we escaped near death there, but then Ryan ripped her wig off, Jaxson tore down the street (half naked), Hunter went on a do-or-die mission for candy, and Jayden was the best behaved one in the bunch. This, my friends, was a night.

Lalo and Jeff brought ANOTHER TROLL -- we'll talk later -- Shawn rocked the burgers, and I spent a lot of time admiring my bloody "REDRUM" finger painting in the hall mirror.

So the food was good, friends were good, fun was had, and now it's over and I have 364 more days to screw around and procrastinate before the next one.