Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Let's Get Political

There are many reasons why I love having Shawn at home. One is that it makes it so much easier to sneak away for some one-on-one time with the computer. I know most of you are thinking I'm just lazy and that's why I've been so bad about posting lately, and while that may be true, the biggest reason is that it's just too damn hard anymore. *cue world's smallest violin, etc, etc...*

We thought having Lola would distract Jax so I could get a little more done, and while she does distract him, she distracts him right between my feet. She's terrified of our little man (see previous post), and therefore takes up a permanent position at my feet, which means wherever she is is where he is and wherever I am is where she is, leaving me worse off than when we began.

Not to mention the fact that because he is a boy and therefore was born slightly brain damaged, he tends to forget (every time) that if he climbs underneath the desk he'll inevitably hit his head. Every time. Every single time. I used to feel bad for the dude, then I'd get irritated. Now I just laugh and say"Bless your Heart, you sweet little idiot..."

Anyway, back to my original point. Shawn's off today so I've been surfing for the past hour. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT? I FEEL LIKE I'M ON HOLIDAY OR SOMETHING! I checked my email, entered countless sweepstakes, checked out my fave blogs and some newly recommended ones, and now I'm gonna pass some of the wealth on to you!!

I hit the mother load with parents.com this month, so we'll just start there. They recommended a cool new site, www.cozi.com, which has a downloadable family calendar system where you can enter shopping lists, addresses, phone numbers, etc... What's great is that if you leave the house in a state of frenetic mind-boggling urgency (as I so frequently do), and happen to leave that shopping list, address, or phone number at home, you can get it texted to your cell. Cool, huh? Now if only we could afford the monthly text charges....

As for the POLITICAL, please do not cringe -- this is a good one!! There's a petition online (www.fitnessmagazine.com/petition) to encourage Congress to pass the Personal Health Investment Today Act, enabling you to be able to use up to $1000 in a pre-tax flexible spending account to pay for family fitness-related expenses, like gym memberships, sports registration fees, etc... I signed up, won't you???

And finally, here's what's making me smile now:

From the Mouth of Mommy

So here are some things I've caught myself saying lately:

"Tell me again why you had to cut open Ariel's chest...?"

"Get off your brother!"

"Are you coloring on my couch?"

"Don't throw the ball at the dog!!"

"Are you coloring on my table?"

"We do NOT throw poop -- do you hear me?"

"Sometimes Mommies yell. You just have to get over it."

"Are you coloring on my library book?"

"Don't bather the doggy unless you ask first, and we don't bathe her with cottonballs, okay?"

"I love you, too."

Oh the joy...

P.S. Taking bets on whether or not the "colored on my library book" will lead to another rousing episode of Amy vs. Ye Olde Evil Librarian. The odds aren't looking good for Amy. I'll keep you posted...

Sunday, May 27, 2007

A Mommy By Any Other Name...

Here's how Ryan greeted me when entering the kitchen this evening after being called in for dinner: "Are you the rusty old pirate who invited us to dinner?"

Why, yes. Yes I am.

She did make up for it later, though, when responding to the question of whether or not she enjoyed her dinner, she closed her eyes, threw her head back and forth, and raised her hands in the thumbs-up salute.

That's my baby. Give her a lighter and a beer and she'll be ready to jam "Free Bird" with the best of 'em.

Shine on, you crazy diamond...

Friday, May 25, 2007

Sound Advice

I'd like to pass on some great advice I garnered from the latest edition of "O" Magazine. They have a columnist, Lisa Kogen, who mentioned that one of the methods she uses to pick herself up when she's having a rough day is to ask herself, "Is the name Darfur anywhere in my address?" Great advice that I quickly put to use.

Like at 4:30am this morning when Jax woke up in a fit, crying for 15 minutes before figuring out how to break the child-proof doorknob and let himself out, attacking me and dragging me back to his bed. "At least I don't live in Darfur," I mumbled.

Or later this morning when not even 90 seconds after breaking up a fight, spending much needed cleaning time soothing and smoothing things over, the ruckus began all over again. "At least I don't live in Darfur," I thought, as I pivoted on my foot and headed back to the scene of the crime.

And this evening at the grocery store, when Jax was biting Ryan's back while pulling her hair, causing Ry to scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs, that nice little turn of phrase really helped me stay calm.

That, and the iPod I had blaring in my ears.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Consider Me Slayed

By Ryan, of course. But before I fill you in on her latest antics, let me just say...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY GINGER!!" Shawn grilled a yummy dinner of chicken and shrimp to celebrate last night, and everyone went away happy and full.

Now on to Ryan. This weekend while we were at the lake, she decided to pick up my cell and call her dad. Reaching his voicemail, she proceeded to have the following conversation with herself:

"Hi Daddy! How are you?"

"Really? Great!"

"Yeah, Mommy's right here. Do you want to talk to her?"

"Okay, here she is."

At which point she hands me the phone and I'm all , "Hello?Hello?"

Shawn says all he could hear in the background was Ryan giggling then telling me, "Ha! Gotcha! It's his voice mail, Mommy!"

He loved that one. He's probably got it saved.

Then earlier today I got upset and told her "If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy"

She asked, "What does that mean?"

"It means I can make your life miserable if I want to."

Her reply: "You already did."

This kid.

Finally, after watching me schedule events, camps, vacations and more all morning long, she overheard me talking to her friend's mom about making a playdate later this week. Quickl, she jumped at the chance to talk with her friend, grabbing her clipboard and saying, "Okay, Grace, schedule in your schedule to meet me Thursday at the sprinkler park. We can schedule our schedule then for our spinkler meeting, okay?"

Grace's mom said all she heard on the other line was Grace going, "Okay." "Okay." "Okay."

Type A, anyone?

Monday, May 21, 2007

*SOMEBODY got a new hat!!*

It's hard to read, but it says "Big Daddy". Ya think he's proud???

It was one of I'm sure many souveneirs from his bike trip this past weekend to Ruidoso. He's such a rockstar. Ryan loves to say to other kids, "So what, my grandpa is a BIKER!!" hee hee.

The kids and I had a great time keeping Menana company, laying out at the beach, swimming in the pool (Ry and Jax spent their pool time antagonizing college boys by jumping on their heads and stealing the football they were throwing around. hee hee) , watching movies, eating pizza..and that was only Saturday! Sunday was a nature walk/picnic/golf cart-ride extravaganze, followed by a long siesta and a ride home, where we met Daddy at the movies to see Shrek the Third.

This is when the "Happy Happy, Joy Joy" ended. Shawn didn't get to his courtyard eatery in time before they closed (which apparently is 5:58), so he threw a fit and told them they "suck", while Ry, Jax and i just laughed, eating our pizza in harmony.

Shrek was fine, at least the first hour, but then Jax had finished all the popcorn, soda and candy, was still hungry, which we all know leads to pissy, which we all know leads to Mommy taking him home in the middle of the movie, leaving Rya and Shawn to enjoy the rest in silence.

So there went the $50 Ginger gave me for my birthday. Money well spent.

It never fails to end this way, and yet I never fail to keep trying to make it turn out with a happy ending. Isn't there a definition of INSANITY in there somewhere??

Saturday, May 19, 2007

A Pinch of This, A Dash of That

WARNING: The following paragraph is not for the dainty, precious, well-mannered or overall uppity type of person.

So yesterday we had Family Friday at the Y, which meant 4 straight hours of no kiddos for me and Shawn. Shawn didn't actually make it home until around 4:45, and once he did get home, he spent the following hour on the crapper. Thanks, honey. You know just how to make a girl feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

Seriously, what is it with Dudes and #2? Why does it take soooo long? Me, I'm in and out in under 2-5 minutes. Him? ALWAYS an hour at least. ALWAYS. And always at the least opportune time, like 5:30 pm when I've been praying for him to get home as the kids are trying to kill each other and I make dinner, or when I'm waiting for him to meet me at home for 4 hours of Mommy and Daddy time.

I think it must be that God knew women would majorily take the position of staying home with the children, unable to take an hour of non-interruption to sit in the bathroom and do their thing. He knew we'd get 5 minutes max, so he made it super-easy on us. For the men? Well, God must be a man. That's all I can think of, because only a man would allow for other men to take a mini-vacay everytime they have to do the doody.

Anyway, we did end up having a great night, out to eat at Juniors on Main in Round Rock, and then picked up the kids and took them across the street to Sonic to enjoy milkshakes.

But that meant a late night, which means a cranky Jax, who no matter what time he beds down for the night, is always always always awake by 6:30 the next morning. Always.

So... we'll soon be leaving for the lake and a weekend with Menana who is all alone while Big Daddy does his biker thing in Ruidoso.

But before we go, I'd like to leave you with a pic of Ryan and Lola, to tide you over until I return on Monday. Have fun!!

Friday, May 18, 2007

All the Pomp, None of the Circumstance

Ryan had her graduation ceremony yesterday. From preschool. And I cried. Like a baby.

So did every other mother, father, granmother, grandfather, aunt and uncle in attendance. The only oned who didn't make asses of themselves were the brothers and sisters of the fraduates, who either had no idea what was going on, or were secretly thinking, "Just wait till they get to Kindergarten--suckers!!"

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Somebody Gimme a Gold Star

Not only was I able to just laugh at the scene of Jaxson finger-painting himself and the driveway with his diarrhea, I was completely composed, wiped him off without a fight, and managed to get him to a bath with no argument whatsoever.

I do need to give credit to Ryan, who was a wonderful supporting player in my success, but don't let that diminish the great feat I achieved, which a week ago would have sent me straight to Betty Ford or the Funny Farm, whichever is closer.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Sweet Escape

I've been a bad, bad girl, I know: not blogging for days, having nothing funny when I do get around to posting, and putting up more photos than you'd prefer.

I'd like to say that I'm sorry, but that would be a lie. It's become excrutiating for me to write about what should be funny moments (like when I spent 10 minutes circling a 6 foot puddle in the Y parking lot, trying to catch Jax as he splashed in and out of the 6" deep water) but which lately just have me curling into a ball and crying.

What the fuck is wrong with me?? Chasing Jax around stagnant water? In my heyday I could've turned that into a knee-slapping 5 paragraph-long post. Where did my sense of humor go? I'm not sure I labeled it, but it's a little dark and twisty and always ready to tease anyone with a pulse; if you see it, could you please return it to me?

And now, for the dreaded photo-of-the-day (an unfortunate trend which will continue until previously mentioned funny bone finds its way back): I've titled this one, "Shawn's Wet Dream". Enjoy.

Can't think of a title as am laughing too hard...

at the shitty-ass spelling/grammer and all-around horrendous typo's from the March 9th post. Sorry 'bout that...

Monday, May 14, 2007


Ryan: (as she watches me change out of my bathingsuit) "Mommy, when I get as old as you, will my boobies hang down like yours?"

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Don't Even Start With Me (or, I'm sorry it's been so long)

I know, I know. April ended and I went right back to my old habits of not posting for days. That's seems about right, though, doesn't it?

Let's see, we got a dog last weekend, and Ry tooks some cute pics but I haven't had a chance to upload them because it takes an hour on this computer, and realy, who has that kind of time?

Not me, especially after all of the stress pain issues. According to the neurologist, there's not really any reason for me to be having pain, except for the carpal tunnel, which you really can't do much about, so basically i'm screwed.

In terms of my neck and back/shoulder pain, it's begun to cease, as I have worked at de-stressing by cooking elaborate meals for the fam and even making our own bread. Yes, it sounds as though I'd be creating more stress, but I really like it, and I'm good at it, and there ain't much I can say that about, soI'm not gonna go lookin' any gifthorses in the mouth, ya know? (Sorry, just watched the E!THS on Rachael Ray, and now I'm apparently channeling her. EVOO, anyone?)

Ummm, never see Shawn, so that's the same, the kids are driving me crazy, so that's the same, and I've still got those extra 10 pounds hanging on, so realy you guys haven't missed all that much.

I will try to recap the funny for you, though, just 'cause I'm feelin' guilty...

Last night, after I ye;;ed at Shawn for getting home from work way too late, he asked why I was so strung out over the kids. Rather than submit to my first instinct and give him a good old-fashioned Lorena Bobitt, I listed what had occured just within the span of the previous 18 hours:

Ryan continues to talk back, stick out her tongue roll her eyes at me, and completelyignore verything I say. All before breakfast.

Both the kids attack me at 6:30 am, Jaxson literally pulling me out of the bed. Instead of going to the coffee pot, I race after them out the door to try and get the "potty trained" dog to do her thing. After 20 minutes of nothing, we head inside where I see that Jax has shit oozing out of his diapers. Seeing me approach for a diaper change, he immediately rolls around on the carpet, smearing the green crap everywhere.

After finally cleaning out his diarrhea-riddled rear, I head downstairs only to see that now the dog has shit on my carpet, so I deal with that. All still before breakfast.

Breakfast is as usual, both kids begging for their food right NOW, Ryan complaining that Jax got more, Jax begging for juice, Ryan begging for juice, Ryan demanding a different colored straw than the one I handed her, Jax spilling his juice the minute he gets his hands on it, Mommy cleaning up the mess, Ryan demanding the tv be turned on, Jax begging for more juice, Mommy giving Jax more juice, but in a squeeze bottle so as to avoid another spill, Ryan asking for more cereal, Jax asking for more cereal, Ryan eating 2 bites of her cereal refill, declaring herself full, Jax doing the same and whining to be helped down, Ryan complaining about being made to take her bowl to the sink, Jax squeezing out the juice from his sports bottle onto the carpet, em on my hands and knees for the 3rd time that day all before 8am.

Half an hour later, I've broken up 3 fights, 2 between Ryan and Jax, one between Jax and the dog and thrown together a semblance of a lunch for Ryan. Then it's time to wrestle both of the into their clothes and beg Ryan to comb her hair while i attempt to get dressed as Jaxson dismantles the calm, peaceful bath accessories arranged in my garden bath while smearing a stolen tube of lipstick on the walls.

The clock is pushing 9 am and I'm trying desperately to get everyone in the car with all required accessories, making several trips back inside for forgotten backpacks, binkies, drinks and snack for the car trip. Yes, snacks. For the kids who couldn't finish their cereal, they were so full.

We make it o our destination in one piece, and I struggle to get both of them into the school, where Ryan throws her backpack at me and runs to her friends, and Jax hits the surrounding classrooms, literally kicking down toys and laughing before moving on to his next target.

I blow kisses at Ryan, search and rescue Jax (and the toys he's escaped with) and make it back to the car by 9:45, dragging Jaxson behind me with my left hand, because according to the "doc", I should really try to avoid using my dominant Right hand whenever possible. I make plans with a friend to take the kids to the bouncy place after school (it's half-price day), and venture back to the house and the waiting list of things to do.

By the time we get back, it's about 10:15, so I feed Jax another snack, put on a cartoon and start cleaning the kitchen from the morning's breakfast debacle. At 11 I put him down for his nap, fighting the urge to lay down as well, and continue my Cinderella chores until 1 when I get him up to get in the car to fetch Ryan.

We retrieve Ry from her classroom, I heft Jax like a football in my left arm, and we make it to the parking lot in record time. Then Jax takes off the minute I set him down to unlock the car (damn those manual locks!) and crawls into a storm drain to hide from me.

Seriously? You try dragging a 30 pound monster out of a storm drain using only your left arm in 80 degree humidity. Do it. I dare you.

I finally wrangle him into the car and the int's off to the mall and the jumping place (and, hopefully, so peace and quiet!) Except, I don't really get to visit with my friend 'cause her kid is potty training and goes twice in her undies, in between the 7 bathroom visits they take while the other kids jump and i watch. Lonely.

I decide to get up and jump with the kids for a bit, mostly because that'll be the only workout I get that day, but also cause I'd love to actually enjoy my kids once in a while. We have fun, but mommy gets tired, so its out I go.

10 minutes later, Ry and her friend come running ahead of another mother who is carrying a crying Jax. Seems as though he got his ass kicked by a little girl. Sweet. Shawn'll love that.

We eventually make it home after again having to drag/carry a screaming, kicking Jax through the mall, and I usher the kiddos outside so I can get started on dinner (aka: drink). 2 minutes later and here comes Ryan, eager to tell me all about how Jax dumped out Shawn's bag of coal for the grill and is throwing it at her and the dog. Sure enough, Jax comes stomping in seconds later, black hand just a reachin' for Mommy.

i clean him up, and send him to the playroom to play with his cars, while Ryan continued to play outside, regaling the neighborhood with her own rendition of "Copa Cabana" (we named the dog Lola). As I'm preparing the fish, I look up to see Jax sticking pennies in the gas outlet by the fireplace. Lovely, lovely.

It's now 5:30 and I don't want to even look at my kids anymore, much less interact with them.

I finish the dinner a little after 6, break up 6 or 7 more fights, and the 3 of us sit down to eat at 6:30. Notice I said the THREE of us -- Shawn's still not home, and today was an "early" day.

We finish our meal, I put Jax to bed, and not 5 minutes later his Father walks through the door. Of course he does.

I hand over Ryan, clean up the kitchen, and then wait for him to come back downstairs so I can vent.

So that's it. That was yesterday in a nutshell, today was just as good, but it's now after 11pm and I've got to be up to do it all over again at 6:30, so you'll have to wait til later to hear Wednesday's story.

Trust me, it's worth coming back for.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Something to Make Us (me, anyway) Smile...

*can you smell my heart melting?*
Caught in the act of...STUPIDITY ("Where'd the rest of the damned cork go? Another wasted bottle of wine..."
And now I know I've been cai=ught, so I just smile and nod, smile and nod.
He's gonna kill me. Both of them.

"'schuze Me Ociffer Bar...I'waz shjust goin' home.. (hiccup)"
I'm not even gonna try to guess what was going on here

Sweet Baby

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

I Learned It By Watching You

I'm thinking of using this humorously-remembered phrase from the 80's on a new product at chunkyrhino. Ironically enough, Shawn just sent me here to watch the "Children See Children Do" video on YouTube. Now that quote isn't quite as funny, especially as I'm watching Ryan yell and scream at Jax, just like I do. Or when I reflect on how the childcare people at the Y commented last week on what a bully Jax is becoming, and then I see him, Ryan and Shawn roughhousing to the point that someone gets hurt.

We used to do that all the time, and while it may be all in innocent fun, someone does always get hurt, and the effects tend to last longer than you'd think. In my case, I still feel the knee-jerk urge to hit, even after all the therapy I've been through. I'm not blaming anyone, I had amazing parents, but when I think about the things I do and when I hear myself say that I don't want them to turn out like me, I have to stop myself and think, "wouldn't it just be easier all around if I made ME better, so they could learn to be like ME without it being such a bad thing?"

If only the desire were the hard part. I struggle with dealing with my "makeover" every time they start yelling or kicking or screaming, and then I boil up and start yelling and I see that my best intentions are just that -- intentions -- unless I work harder to make them reality.

If our kids aren't worth working harder for, what is?

P.S. I still kinda think the T-shirt quote is funny.