Thursday, November 17, 2005

Grab Some Wood, Bub, This Is a Long One...

The librarian bitch is out of hand. (That's right, Mom, I said bitch.) I have once again been assaulted by her evil ways, and now we are clearly at war. I try and I try and I try * raises hand to head in exasperation* to do the very best for my kids -- I search and scrounge for the best (free) educational entertainment available , and what do I get for it? Librarian Abuse. Ye Ole Librarian Wench has struck again, folks, and Amy ain't takin' it lyin' down.

I returned a book (Harry Potter, if you must know) today at precisely 11:15 am. When returning home at 1:00pm, the following message was awaiting me on my answer machine (I have taken the liberty of paraphrasing where I see fit. It's called poetic license. Look it up.)

(Thick hick drawl with mix of old-person nasal disapproving tone): "MMhmmm, Ms. Yohhhuurk. This is _____, Head Liberrian with Nothin' Better To Do at ____ Liberry. I am harrassing you with this phone call to let you know that you returned a book today that has appaaaarrrrently had some sort of clear liquid spilled on it at some point in time, which we discovered during one of our "random" book checks. Since you are only the 14th person to check it out, we are obviously assuming it is your fault, and so are charging your library account $42.00 to cover all costs, okaaaayyyyy? Thank you! Whaaahhaaaheeeehhheeee. I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!"

FORTY-TWO DOLLARS???? FOR HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER???? I can get it for $19.99 at WalMart, you hag. And that stain was there when I got the damn thing. I just figured it was the by-product of some 13 yr old freak's over-excitement at the plot twists (this one really is quite tense and riddled with teen angst), if you know what I mean *wink wink*. It obviously didn't hinder my reading, so what the hell do they need to replace it for anyway??? You best believe I was quickly on the phone to Ms (for surely she is a spinster) Evil Librarian, who was , of course, at lunch. I didn't know evil trolls were allowed out to eat, but whatever. After sweetly berating the woman who answered the phone, then hung up on me, then answered again (clearly an evil spawn of head evil idiot), I feel confident no such fine will be issued. At least, I hope not. Ryan really likes the library. Either way, I've clearly been black-balled and am suffering the harsh realities of discrimination.

Okay. I think I'll be alright now, I just really needed to vent. Anyway, we actually did have a good time at the library -- they did a puppet show of "Red Riding Hood" -- and then we went with our new playdate friends to lunch at Mc Donalds. Unfortunately, so did the entire Imannuel Lutheran Day Care Center. Christ on a Cracker, the joint was buzzin'. Ry actually came up to me at one point complaining that it was too loud and her ears were hurting. Ryan. Ryan Elizabeth. Glass-shattering, screamer of all screamers, loudest kid on earth complaining about the decibel levels. Thank God those brats finally left, so the girls had some time to actually play, rather than just spend their time there dodging snotty little kids. ;) Ryan also learned a valuable lesson about not leaving her toys lying around in a public place -- she apparently left 3 of her miniature princess dolls laying on the ground in the playplace, and when we went to leave, they were gone. You woulda thought someone killed her dog right in front of her, the tears they were a- flowin'. Luckily Target had HelloKItty stuff in their DollarSpot section, so all was quickly forgotten -- but not before Ryan demanded my cell phone so she could call her father and demand he "beat up those kids".

I also got some old-school dvd's of Popeye cartoons and Betty Boop, as well as one with all the old classic fairytales done in very primitive clay-mation. It's really cool how she totally embraces it -- she doesn't realize how dated they are, she just knows they are entertaining. Very heart-warming in a James Stewart/Gregory Peck sort of way. See, this just supports my side of the argument with Shawn that she would like "To Kill A Mockingbird" -- she'd totally want to emulate Boo Radley, and who doesn't like it when the little annoying boy says, "Good Lord, Aunt Stephanie! You near gave me a heartattack!" A side-splitting line if there ever was one!! *wiping tears of laughter from my eyes* If she can sit through old Superman cartoons, she can sit through this.

And speaking of arguments, please don't tell my husband that I fed Jax his first french fries today. He would probably go ballistic, and that's a little more drama than I need right now. Plus, he's got enough on his mind as it is. He had his consultation with Dr. Chopp today, and it was a bit harrowing for him. First, when he approached the door of the office, his eyes were immediately drawn to the "penal code" they had stencil's on the door. ha ha. hee hee. Then, when he received his folder of information and noticed the pics of the docs with one of their heads covered by a big blue dot/sticker, he inquired about the mystery doctor. "That doctor left the practice, and we didn't want to print new folders, so..." was the answer he got. Alrighty then. Anyway, the BIG DAY has been set for January 6th, so mark your calendars!! Big Daddy had fun with Shawn tonite (natch -- that's for you Shah!), when after congratulating Shawn on his new board member position on our HOA (he's very VIP now -- lean-to's and pink flamingos for everyone!!), he asked him if he was ready to go under the knife and "lose 6 inches", to which Shawn quickly retorted:" Sure, then it would be only 12 inches long, and I guess I can live with that." Bahduhmbum.

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