Urination Nation

"I've been URINATED 2005" What do y'all think of my new logo? Just thought I'd try something new, seeing as how this one phrase pretty much sums up my life this past week. Toilet flooding twice, Ryan wet the bed and then climbed in next to me last night(sweet), Jax peed in my face this morning, and then Ryan decided to release her bladder on my hip as I was carrying her while strolling through Hobby Lobby thinking, "Wow, how nice to have both kids behaving so well this afternoon and be able to do a little browsing." Lovely. So here I am, typing as I wait for the shower to heat up, since I will now need to re-sanitize myself, and a quick wipe with a Wet One just ain't gonna cut it this time... Luckily the "Urinatorz" as I will be henceforth referring to them, are both napping so at least my clean up and recovery will be pleasant...(just waiting for the lightning bolt)...

Urinator #1 had gymnastics this morning, and as I watched her once again running from the instructors, giggling as though it were a game, I was fully preparing myself for the obvious: I would have to have a "talk" with her teacher afterwards. My kid is only 3, and this is her first "class", so this will be my first parent/teacher as a parent. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. (I've been told by my mom not to say S-H-I-T so much in my blog anymore -- MOTY slides down another notch, if there are any left down there) I try to think back to my short-lived career as a teacher in order to get some sort of clue as to how I should handle the situation, only there's just one problem -- I don't think I ever had to have a parent-teacher conference. I taught theatre, people -- the kids loved me (for the most part), and I was pretty easygoing as far as middle school teachers go, so I never really had to deal with that. Now, of course, I'm kicking myself, wishing I had been more of a hard-ass so that I could have had more experience observing the mothers of my "lovable trouble makers" -- you know, like Urinator #1. So anyway, teacher comes out and is very nice and sweet and just lets me know in the nicest voice (and in front of a mom with whom we are scheduled to have our very first playdate right after class) that, "Ryan had a hard time listening today -- she had an attack of the sillies." Oh, so that's what we're calling it now. As my face turns red, I try to breathe deeply and exude the air of a mother who can easily and gently reprimand her child while showing she still loves her all in front of a hallway of parents. I remind Urinator #1 that we've talked about the 'not listening', although said reminder comes only after 3 attempts to get her to come away from the nursery window and listen to me, which in the end I only achieved because her teacher physically picked her up and carried her over to me (in my defense, I was holding Urinator #2 and getting Urinator #1's clothes together, or else I would have dragged her there myself). I asked her to apologize to her teacher (who gives her a hug -- she really is sweet), and then calmly resume dressing her.

When we get in the car, I try the old "forgive & forget" method: I let her know that we need to work harder on obeying, she apologizes, I forgive, then I tell her we are not going to talk about it any more today. Just as we reach our playdate (read:McDonald's), I am feeling very "MOTY" with the way I handled the sitch, until Urinator #1 refuses to cross the parking lot with me, opting to run out towards the incoming traffic instead, completely ignoring my loving, yet strict demands that she "please don't do that" and my eventual growl/begging that she "get over here now!". Just as I think I am going to have to unleash the real me in front of my new Mom-friend and run screaming toward my child, my new Mom-friend holds onto her daughter's hand, calmly crosses over to My #1 Urinator, and the 3 of them skip into the restaurant like they're on the F*cking Yellow Brick Road.

I'm already thinking "Kill me now", and I don't even know about the public URINATION I'm about to face. Which reminds me; that shower I was waiting on to heat up has probably gone cold by now (of course it has), so I gotta run. Pray for me. Pray. Pray hard.