What We Did on our Ya Ya Vacation

So, yes, it was a vacation, and we had a great time! The car ride to Port Neches is OH SO LONG, but that's what God gave us dvd players and iPod's for -- I'm pretty sure that was the 6th day. (I'll double check with my VBS colleaugues tomorrow.)



My Honey turned 78 on Saturday, and she could not take her eyes off of Jax. I think she was only really with him 1 or 2 times before she really went downhill. He was a little apprehensive, glued to the wall, with a furrowed brow and a sharp scream anytime we tried to pry him away, but we did manage to get him to give her a kiss right before he went running down the hall of the nursing home, screaming like a banshee, and jetted straight to the big administration desk-area, where he hid under the counter and made me get on my hands and knees to dig him out. You wouldn't believe how fast those employees appeared to watch the spectacle.



Then we graced some of the residents by hanging out with 'em during their smoke break. One man was literally half a body -- he literally sits on his ribs. But my kids were awesome. I was worried Ryan would let some innocent question slip, but she didn't, she talked with them and laughed with them, and Jax put on a show, giving high-fives and hugs all around. Of course, Pappy is there all the time, plays regularly there with his band and is the most genial person you will ever meet, so being his great-grandchildren certainly helped.



The rest of the visit was spent eating and playing, with Jaxson rousing everyone everywhere we went with shouts and yells. I really hate when other people laugh at this. Don't you know you're making it worse? Then again, I think I do prefer it to people like the woman who glared at him, then at me, and then turned her back to us. That wasn't nice.



At one point, I overheard Pappy describing Jax as "A Holy Terror". Coming from the man who won his wife by knocking out her high school boyfriend (it was self-defense) and later, after several other boys claimed to be the one who did it, simply told her, "I'm the Real McCoy" , that's saying a lot. (Don't you just love that story?)



Anyway, We headed on to Galveston on Saturday, but not before we stopped and bought the last Harry Potter book. (Which Pappy bought for Ryan, who couldn't get her hands on it until this morning, seeing as how I was glued to it until 11:30 last night. I told you I'm a nerd. Btw -- Well Done, JK!!)



The kids were thrilled to ride the ferry, and even more excited to feed the seagulls. We took a 3hr nap, went swimming at the hotel pool and met a whole family from Louisiana who is likely related to us, based on how similar Ryan and the little girl behaved -- think Disney on Ice, the Late July Outdoor Edition , ate lobster and cheesecake at Landry's (where Jax persisted in his way, throwing his napkin onto the patio's surrounding hedges. Repeatedly.), and we watch the Rainforest Cafe's Volcano explode. It was the best night.

The next morning we actually let the kids eat INSIDE the Rainforest Cafe (as opposed to the peering-in-like-beggars route we took the previous night), and they ate it up. Ryan couldn't get enough of the automated jungle animals, and though Jax was extremely apprehensive (staying glued to his seat, brows furrowed, shouting should you attempt to move him -- much like Nursing Home Jax), but did eat A LOT of food.

At one point, Ryan was sitting on a ledge, posing for a picture in front of the elephants when the Baby Elephant's trunk moved and nudged her backside.

She quickly looked at Menana wielding the camera and commanded, "Hurry."

So anyway, now we're home and while I've been writing this, Ryan has been having a long conversation with the plumber about God and Rahab and the soldiers and Jericho and Joshua and who only knows what, and Jax has emerged from his nap, exited his room, and has proceeded to hug the guy.

I'm not sure what that means, but the plumber was floored.

I'll have photos once Menana sends them. *guilt, guilt, guilt -- very Ya Ya**

I know. I'm the laziest blogger on Earth. The time it takes to plug in the camera, transfer pics and type up funny-ish blurbs could just as easily be spent playing, watching a movie or sleeping -- all of which I opted to do yesterday rather than blog. It was raining cats and dogs, Shawn is still off of work, and we were just having fun with the kiddos. Sorry!!

Anyway, here's how it all went down: In an effort to stretch the Almighty Dollar, I found a Rodeway Inn in downtown San Antonio for $75/night. According to the 2-starred reviews I read, as long as all you wanted was a bed and a hot shower, then you would be okay. Huh.

The place is literally adjacent to I35, which meant police sirens and ambulances all through the day and night -- much to our kids' delight. The shower sucked balls, the built-in hairdryer didn't work and the bathroom vanity light didn't work. We were officially staying in the ghetto.

The kids loved jumping on the beds, watching out the window for the aforementioned sirens, and playing with the in-room safe, so I guess the sacrifice to our safety was worth something.

We spent Friday evening on the Riverwalk, planning on hiking from one end (the mall) to the other (Dick's Last Resort) to eat, but then rain hit and we were stuck with either Steers and Beers or Chili's. Wanting to do something out of the ordinary, we opted for Steers and Beers.

The place was empty (a bad omen, no doubt), and while we were waiting for our hostess to appear, Ryan climbed up on the stool behind the hostess stand and started goofing off. We quickly told her to get down, just as the hostess was walking over, and as she was trying to get down and out of the way, the hostess showed up, glaring at Ry, shoving her out of the way with her large behind. "Table for four?" she asked.

"Nevermind", Shawn and I muttered at the same time, both pissed at the audacity of this bitch and both thinking the same thing: we would never darken the doors of this heathen-run establishment again. I'm sure the girl was very remorseful, seeing as how the minute we walked out, a party of 12 walked in. Whatever. If you don't have your principles, you have nothing. And our No.1 principle is "Don't Fuck With Our Kids"

Chili's it was. Not that we don't love and adore a good Chili's meal, but we eat there all the time, and so were not that excited about spending a fortune there just because it was adjacent to the river. But we sucked it up and got a table anyway. It sucked. The server sucked, the food was not up to par, and the entire meal was endured surrounded by tables of high school cheerleaders. Jax loved it. I did not.

We made it through dinner, left a shitty tip, and headed back to the mall for ice cream and sight-seeing. There was a great little woodwind group playing music, and we happily pulled up a seat to watch and listen. Ryan decided immediately that her one souvenir from the trip would be a wooden recorder being sold by the music group, a choice I knew she would regret but was obliged to buy her anyway, when she insisted that she understood the meaning of "only one gift" and that this was, in fact, the one gift she wanted.

Jax just danced. Oh, our little ham. He had a great time goofing off to the music, until he saw someone put money into the large pot sitting in front of the stage, and all his attention turned toward getting some for himself. Which he did with much gusto. The crowd loved it. The performers, not so much. (I made sure to empty my change purse into the tip pot as I grabbed Jax away, thank you).

We decided it was as good a time as any to make our getaway, and so we all headed back to the truck, and then spent the next 45 minutes getting lost in downtown San Antonio, trying desperately to find an on ramp to I35. Remember how I said our hotel/motel was in the ghetto? I was wrong. The ghetto was a few miles south, an area we grew quite familiar with that evening.

We finally made it back to the Rodeway Inn, and snuggled in bed listening to the people upstairs throwing bowling balls on the ground until we drifted off to restless sleep.

Eventually the morning came and we headed to SeaWorld. Being the people-hater I am, I have to say that despite the large crowds, rude people, and annoying intermittent rains, we really had a great time. Ryan and Shawn rode "Journey to Atlantis", Jax stood by the fence and got soaked, and I caught it all on video. Shawn and Ry didn't get half as wet on the ride as Jax did standing next to it, leaving Ryan insisting that she needed a turn to get soaked. We tried to warn her. There she was in her cute little dress, no swimsuit to be seen, begging us to let her get drenched. It's not that we didn't want her to do it, we just know Ryan. She needs to be comfy. a dripping wet jumper does not make for a comfy outfit. Nevertheless, she insisted and so we stood aside, waiting for reality to soak in (pardon the pun). Not 5 minutes later, she cam running over to us, drenched from head to toe, complaining about being cold and wet. I'm pretty sure the words, "We told you so" were uttered.

We wrapped our dripping wet children in a towel and headed toward a cafe, searching for a decent meal to appease our grumbling tummies. 30 minutes and $34 later, we were sitting around our meals of crap-ass fast food, scoping out our next destination, which would be Shamu. We all needed a little boost, and were hoping an enormous trained Killer Whale would do the trick.

It did. We sat close enough to see everything, but no so close that we got caught in the Splash Zone, the kids were enamored and Shawn and I had a pretty good time, too.

Seeing Shamu led to a whole new Ryan-centered battle: she hated the wooden flute we bought her yesterday, and absolutely needed a whale-fin necklace and stuffed Shamu. After several minutes of arguing, I gave in and bought one of each for the kids, but not before Ry tripped on the stairs and cut herself, sending us to First-Aid where she got the kind of treatment that attention-seeking drama queens like she and I feel we deserve every day.

Next was on to "Pirates 4D", and another 45 minute wait. The 15 minute film was cute enough, but Jax hated getting sprayed with water and wasn't that happy about the air blowing in his ears as "bees" flew by, either.

By the end of that ordeal, the skies were producing a pretty steady drizzle, so we headed back indoors to the penguin exhibit which has just totally been ruined by "Happy Feet". All I could do was watch the little bugger sullenly, making guesses as to which ones had already gone loony, and which ones were on the verge.

Luckily, that little guilt-fest was not long-lasting, and we made our way to the Mommy and Daddy zone, otherwise know as the Brewmaster's Hospitality House. There really is something to be said about visiting an amusement park owned by the nation's largest brewing company.

Half an hour and two-free-beers each later, we took our load over to the Dolphin Zone where Ry and Jax tried desperately to touch the dolphins, and grumbled at the fact that Shawn and I would not buy $5 worth of fish for them to feed to the dolphins. I was grossed out by the though (and the long line) -- Shawn just refused to pay them to feed their animals. He's very principled that way.

After the dolphins we ended our SeaWorld adventure in the Shark house, where Ryan could live forever watching the fish, but where I grow bored within 2 seconds of walking through the doors. I am nothing if not a mother who sacrifices her own happiness for her childrens'.

Anyway, we found ourselves back at the Riverwalk that night, opting for *hmmm* Sea Food at Landry's, where we received almost as warm a welcome as we received at Steers and Beers the night before. We did sit River-side, though, and the kids had a great time shouting and yelling to the people on the tour boats (she desperately wanted to join them, I said it was too boring, she spent the rest of dinner pointing out all the people's smiling faces), and making faces at people looking down from the street above.

We made it safely (and quickly) back to the room, and turned in once again to the soothing sounds of sirens and stomping.

Sunday was originally planned to be Schlitterbahn day, but the weather turned on us and we ended up saving the waterpark for another day. Instead, we headed to Market Square, where Ryan managed to finagle yet another gift (Mexican doll), Shawn got bored, and we all got wet.

Don't you all want to vacay with us? Aren't we just as fun as a barrel of monkeys???

Mental Hospital

--Head nut speaking.

We are in crisis mode, scrambling to plan a new vacation for the next 3 days.

We found out yesterday that the beach house in Corpus was without water or power, but were waiting to see if things got better this morning. Guess What?

So now we've got the cheapest hotel within walking distance to the Riverwalk booked for 2 nights, and are at an impasse on how and where to actually spend our time and money.

Our travel budget for this trip was not intended to include room and board, sending me into a budgeting craze (coulda used ya on this one, Ninny), locking myself to the computer, searching for coupons, promo codes, and mapquesting the closest liquor store to our hotel.

I think we've narrowed down the itinerary, but still have nothing really planned.
Yeah. That sounds right.

We know it's a toss-up between Schlitterbahn, Fiesta Texas and Seaworld. Anyone with a promo code or season passes they're not using this weekend could easily end up making the decision for us. I'm just sayin'...

In the meantime, I'll be laboring over which small attraction to fill Friday with -- juggling between the SA Children's Museum, the Buckhorn Saloon, and, God help me, my former place of employment.

D'ya miss me??

Hi. I'm Amy. I write this quirky little blog about my life and my family, my kids, my mental breakdowns, etc... Have we met??

Got back from NY on Monday at 4 am. Up with the kids at 8, working on Mommy and Me ever since. I'm sorry to be so short and vague, but time's a-waistin'.

NY was snowy (woohoo! Spring Break! Yeah!!) and all I got are a couple of knock-off bags and fallen arches,swollen feet, & lots of blisters. I went form over function. Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

I'd love to show you pics but I've misplaced el camera, so I'm gonna have to wait for Jet Blue to find it, which you know, should only take a year or so, being JetBlue and all.

We saw WICKED and cried (natch), gave food to homeless people (and cried), and saw the worst comic ever and would have cried, but were saved by this dude.

I missed the kids and only felt guilty every time I spoke with them, Ginger or Shawn -- apparently Jax is much worse than Shawn was, Ginger now understands why I drink, and Shawn, well, Shawn was Shawn, but without someone to make fun of.

Our trip to SAK's left me feeling like the ugliest 30 yr old to walk the planet ("See how this cream diminishes those horrible wrinkles all over your face???"), but I had the last laugh -- I let them make me over to their heart's content, all without telling them I did not have $125 to spend on any cream, I was saving it for my fake Louis (which, by the way, all the Asians in Chinatown no longer carry). Suckers.

We had an amazing view of the Empire State Building out our hotel room, which came equipped with HBO and life-like 5th ward residents mulling about the sidewalk. Not scary at all.

I managed to get us lost in Chinatown, Little Italy, and Times Square, but by the end was able to properly direct some tourists to the R line going downtown, which is more than I can say for the subway attendant.

We didn't make it the St. Patty's Day parade (did I mention it was 28 degrees?), but we did drink and we wore green, so we felt okay about it. Especially since Lea Ann and I managed to flash the city of New York from our hotel room -- it was like St Patrick's and Mardi Gras all in one!

We had the best cabbies ever, giving us advice on where to get the best deals, what the NY "rules" were, and all about what a fraud Guiliani is -- our kind of men!!

Then came Sunday, and while we didn't do Breakfast at Tiffany's, we did take a carriage ride through Central Park, had a hot dog from a street vendor, and ate Godiva inside Trump Tower.

Then it was time to leave (did I mention we flew JetBlue?). Our flight was scheduled for 9pm, got delayed to 9:40, then 10:10, and we finally boarded at 11pm, and taxied until midnight. Fun was had by all.

I love my mom and my sisters, I'm so glad they helped me go on this trip, and I certainly couldn't have done it without help from Shawn and Ginger with the kids. Lots more happened, and I'll be sending quips your way soon, but I've got inventory to enter for the sale, so I must say goodbye for now. Ciao!

You Asked For It

Okay, lovies. Prepare to sit back and enjoy the first annual installment of RUIDOSO RUMBLE (echo, echo, echo).

Now, I believe I teased you all with the trials we faced on our first day -- lots of poop, burned condo, hardly any snow. Actually, this was mild for us, as you all know. Hmmm, so you want stories...

Let's see, there was the uneventful first day, until 6/7 pm rolled around, and we performed our White Elephant exchange, wherein yours truly received Cranium, which Lea (the gift giver) commanded we break open and play immediately.

So we did:

Can't ya just smell the fun??. Then we took a break, Shawn tried to change Jax's poop ("It won't stop coming out!!"), Big Daddy broke down laughing so hard he cried, and then he called it a night.

This led us to charades, at which Miss Ryan happens to be a natural. She solves the clues and can perform to a tee at the drop of a hat. Our favorite was when she stood still, arms out parallel to the ground, eyes closed. Menana yelled out , "Ummm...Christ?!?"

Ryan, rolling her eyes, replied, "No, Menana. Jesus." I fell in love with her all over again.

But what's best is that wonderful 4 yr old spirit that thinks every victory, no matter how small (or how non-victorious), calls for celebration.

We eventually all padded to bed, eagerly anticipating the next day's snow events, which turned out to be less-than-exceptional.

Remember the snow tubing we were so excited about? Yeah, this one. It pretty much sucked. The wind was blowing so hard we were literally blown away every time we tried to drag our tubes uphill (okay, that was fun), and when we finally reached the top, the Hitler-esque owner was there to yell and scream at us, moving us along like so much cattle being herded to slaughter.

This did not bode well for Mr. Shawn. Used to being the one barking the orders, he quickly bristled, explaining he was waiting for his daughter who was right behind him, but the only reply he got was "MOVE IT!" Yikes.

Now, we are nothing if not loud, passionate people, so of course Shawn retorts, "F*&k you, you a$$. I'm f*&$ing waiting for my f#$*ing family, who happen to be the only other f$&*ing people on your damn ride, so shut the f%*k up!" (I may have paraphrased a bit.)

After a few more insults between Shawn and the owner, he finally moved along, only to be engaged in a 7th-grade worthy stare-down. I'm not usually timid of others while in Shawn's presence (I essentially married my bodyguard), but seeing as how Ryan was playing, we had spent $45, had only been there 30 minutes, and this guy could conceivably kick us out, I was eagerly trying to calm Shawn down.

Lucky for us, Ryan was having about as much fun as we were, so we quickly left anyway.

We made our way back to the house to meet up with Menana and Big Daddy who had taken Jax to Wal-Mart to look for snow boots. Apparently, they had had a similar experience, just different place, different people.

I should preface this little story with a short explanation: 1) Big Daddy is a big, big man, survivor of 4 or 5 heart attacks (I've lost count), who finds it very hard to do anything other than sit at such a high altitude; 2) Menana is old and bitchy (kidding, mom, kidding); and 3) Jaxson is heavy as shit and won't obey, meaning in a place like Wal-Mart he requires carrying and/or restraints.

According to Menana, they had just dragged/heaved Jax all the way through the parking lot eagerly searching for alternate means of transporting his fat little figure, only to be greeted by the ever-present Wal-Mart Senior Citizen, who declared, "Welcome to Wal-Mart, we don't have any baskets on this side, you'll have to go to the other entrance if you need one."

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Dad could barely breathe, Jax was squirming like a stuck pig, and mom's age was creeping into her bones, making way for the bitchy. They trodded ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE, into shopping basket wonderland.

"You guys need to send some baskets to the other side. They're all out over there," she informed Old Lady Greeter #2.

OLG#2: Well, they haven't asked for any yet.

(Here comes the bitchy)

Mom: "Well, I'm telling you. They're all out over there, I just had to walk ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE to get one. The big guy can't breathe, this one's fat as fuck, and I've got Cancer." (Well, maybe she didn't play the cancer card, but she should have.)

OLG#2: "Well, I've got to wait for them to tell me to send them over."

Mom: [Enter long, over-wrought Julia Sugarbaker-esque tirade here]

Anyway, long story longer, Dad said he was just trying to scoot Mom along, telling her to hush under his breath, with was barely making it out as it was, eventually getting them all out of harms way, when seconds later they hear this over the loud speaker: "More baskets to the North Entrance, please. Baskets needed."

Cut to Menana smiling smuggly.

That's just how we roll, folks. The Roberts/York Family: Making enemies across America since 1977.

So the afternoon progressed into another evening of food, drinks, games and insults (another thing we're really good at), until we all pooped out and turned in for the night.

The next morning was on to Ski Apache for me, Shawn, Lea and Ryan, where Ryan attended a kid's ski class and totally kicked ass. I'd have pics to show, but I'm still waiting for Big Daddy and Lea to send them to me, so blame them. Apparently, the skis that took us 2 hours to acquire (including measuring), were too big for Ryan, a fault we only learned of at the end of the 6 hour day.

Ryan: "Please can I stop now? My feet hurt so bad!"

Teacher: " Yeah, these skis are way too big for her -- I'm amazed that she did as well as she did!"

Lucky for her, Aunt Lea was also ready to go, a result of having a monstrous headache due to the 3 times she fell getting off the ski lift. She claims it was mine and Shawn's faults, but we know better, don't we?

By the way, for those of you who know all about Shawn's previous ski trials in Steamboat Springs 9 years ago, when he managed to get taken down the mountain 2 days in a row by the ski patrol, and had himself banned from the mountain until he took ski lessons, he excelled this time, thanks to instruction from the Incredible Falling Lea.

While we conquered the mountain, Ninny and the old folks were tubing with Jaxson, another adventure I'd provide pictures of, if only they'd taken them. Apparently there was some complication involving icy conditions, bum knees, and "only having two hands, AMY!" I swear, they are such lightweights.

This took us into evening, all of us a little sad about having to leave the next day, when lo and behold, God stepped in and said, "C'mon...stay another day. You know you want to!"

We had a snow storm early in the a.m., leaving us snowed-in and calling the rental place to extend our stay.

It was WONDERFUL!!! The kids finally got to really play in the snow, which was awesome considering the first day's playtime only yielded this.

Snow ball fights, sledding, you name it, we did it. Then, 30 minutes later, we were sooo over it, so we retreated inside and punished ourselves with a 4 hour game of Phase10.

Later, the girls headed to downtown Ruidoso for shopping, where Ryan begged Lea Ann to buy her this. That's right, she now owns her very own Bobble Head Jesus Doll.

And that's that. We ate a lot, drank a lot, played even more, and had one of the best vacations in family history.

Now, if we could just do something about that 10 hour car trip...

National Lampoon's has nothin' on us

So we've been here in Ruidoso for about 6 hours, and so far Jax has had diarrhea everywhere, the condo we were renting caught fire, we spent $100 on tire chains for no apparent reason, and Ryan has built an 8-inch-tall snowman.

We were hoping for some serious powder on the slopes, but when we got here, the temp barely registered below the 48 degree temperature we left in Texas. This did not hinder Ryan's mood one bit. The minute we pulled up to the house they upgraded us to, she jumped out of the truck, flung herself onto the 6"x6" swatch of snow still sticking to the ground, exclaiming "I love snow! Snow is GREAT! This is so awesome!!!"

She is nothing if not enthusiastic.

Just counting the days...

...until THIS. Just 4 more to go!!!