Sunday, December 11, 2005

"Spit-In-Your-Mouth" Funny

Have you ever had the feeling that you were the Big White Elephant in the room that no one was talking about? Or maybe you received an invite for a costume party, only to arrive in your very best French Maid get-up amidst a bunch of straight-laced Bible Beaters who OBVIOUSLY missed the memo (ala Bridget)? OOh! I know! How about those times when you walk into a gathering of strangers only to be slaughtered with menacing glares, "no she did not" eye rolls and condescending once-overs. Not so much? Damn, you really are missing out.

You, too, could have found yourself at the 1 yr old daughter's birthday party of your husband's old old friend's (whom neither of you have seen in years), only to walk into Night Of The Living Dead. You could have stumbled into the humiliating realization that no one really wanted you there, or even cared for that matter -- they really only wanted to see DH, and you were an unfortunate side effect. No one would introduce you around (or respond when you try to intro yourself), no one would offer you a drink (although they would make a nice big fuss over opening a new bottle of wine. For Christ's Sake, it's just Chardonnay). You could have heard them oohh and aahh over your kids, but not to you -- just to your DH, when he's there; he'll actually spend the majority of the night outside visiting with old friend. Ah, yes, you could have experienced the unanticipated elation at the notion of a 10 yr old wanting to have a conversation with you -- I shit you not; I was intoxicated with euphoria when she came over to ask me if I liked Barbie, and did I want to play? Yes, you too could have begged for death like you've never begged before. Alas; you, my dear, are not as lucky as I.

Look -- I understand that much of the above reads like my very own pity party *bite me*, but ask anyone who knows me -- that's not my style. I don't do "pity". I make fun. Of myself, of other people (see above). That's how I deal. Pratfalls and self-deprecating humor, thank you very much. It's my defense mechanism and it's worked pretty damn well for some 20-odd years; that is, until last night when in the midst of trying to start a conversation (to no avail) with Frigid Ice Bitch #2, I turned and began talking to the chair next to me. Bah duhm bum. This time-tested oldie-but-goodie is usually good for at least a smattering of laughs, but this time no one even noticed. That's how hard they were working at ignoring me, and really, their efforts should be applauded. I'm not easy to ignore, people. It just really felt like Sorority Rush all over again, when you get an invite to a house where no one really wants you, so they all just avoid you the whole night long -- anyone? Oh well, if you've been there, then you know.

Luckily, I had my anti-social DH with me to help me feel right at home. Heh. No bother. I just used my kids as sources of entertainment, conversation(with myself), and finally, blessedly, as an excuse to get the hell out of there (pissy Jax to the rescue!!). I mean really, what else are they good for??

I realize that I am often teased about being a "jittery" hostess (the phrase "basket case" comes to mind), but at least I make damn sure that every one of my guests feels at home, welcome, and certainly not alone/invisible/not wanted. If you are a latter type of hostess/host, you should be shot and made to lie in an open casket while everyone around you walks and talks and gets on with their day as if you are not even there, all the while staring barefaced at you and grimacing for good measure. *grrr*

BTW -- did I tell you about the ROCKIN' birthday party we went to this weekend...?

OKay. I'm done. Luckily, today was so good that it actually put Saturday's debacle six feet under (now that I've vented, that is -- thanks again). Menana, Ninny and I took Ryan to see The Nutcracker, and it was excellent. I am definitely no ballet/orchestra aficionado, but I do know my performing arts, and this show was well worth the money (then again, that could be the 3 mimosas talking...). Proof: Ryan made it through the whole first act without whining/crying, even regaling us (and those around us) with exclamations of, "Why's he nekked??" when the Arabians came out to do their dance (shirtless -- for the Mr., that is). The kid was enthralled.

Far and away, the best part was when the show ended and Ryan left the theatre with a beautiful (read:glittery) Nutcracker cradled in her arms (along with her paraplegic porcelain ballerina ornament, which entered the theatre in one piece, but apparently had a tough time of it while watching other prima donna's get the attention?? I'm not sure, but the chick has no arms now.)

Shawn and Jax had what I'm sure was a lively Boys' Day full of sleeping, pooping, and watching football while we were away, so everyone ended up happy.

MMMmmmmm. Gotta run -- Grey's Anatomy. Doesn't get any better. I spend my whole week waiting for this show. Shut up. Here's something neat for fellow GA fans to peruse.


Liz said...

Came across this blog - very funny! Have to comment - I was actually invited to a tiny 'get-together' (a total of 6 people)and the hostess totally ignored me. I think it shows a real lack of class!

Crazy Rockin' Foxy Mama said...

Yes, I'd have to say that's among my "Worst of The Worstesess". Especially if you were personally invited by the host. Why even invite?? Thanks for the props (and the sympathy!!)

P.S. -- Like your blog, too. I'll be lurking...