Merry Christmas From The Family

Well, my dears, I must say...one of the most enjoyable Christmases to date. I'm not sure if it was the abundance of alcohol (!) or what, but things for the most part went well.

This is not so much what you tuned in to hear, though, of that I am certain. You were looking for something a little south of pleasant perfection, no? Okay, if you insist...

So, the Honey thing. Oh, how this subject rips me wide open with the fervor of Freddie Krueger. Love the woman -- defend her to this day for forcing the girls and I to clean the floorboards with our own toothbrushes while Dad was suffering his first heart attack in hospital; what can I say? The woman epitomizes the Mommie Dearest era, but I feel her pain. I can't explain it, I just chalk it up to the crazy. However, the rate at which she is bending to Parkinsons is so alarming, it truly requires waves of inappropriate laughter to make it minute to minute without melting into a sobbing ball on the floor.

At first, it was a bit sad to walk in and find her arguing with the stove, and not in the normal, "why must you burn everything!?" way; more like, "Hi hon, how was your day? Can you give the kids a bath tonite -- I'm beat." So you ignore it until it becomes more and more prevalent, to the point that you find yourself chuckling and playing along, totally ignoring the burning flames of hell awaiting you. Eventually, however, you reach the point of annoyance, where you start raising the volume on the television in hopes she'll take the conversation to another room.

I know right now I sound like I eat babies for breakfast, but really, you have to experience it to understand. I, for one, feel that my grandfather deserves the biggest fucking Miller Genuine Draft a 78-yr old man could hold down, and then some. He will one day be sainted, mark my words.

He moves her from spot to spot EVERY 5 MINUTES. You think a baby is tough? Pff. I will never complain about Jax's neediness again... at least not while Pappy is in the room... and even then, not without feeling enormous waves of guilt. She never knows where she wants to be, and once she gets there, she realizes that, nope, that's definitely not it, so away we go again. And when I say "away", I mean as slow as freakin possible.

Just when you start really feeling inconvenienced and a little pissed off *God, we are such martyrs*, she goes and wishes she was a roach. Out loud. You know, so she could "crawl all over the place and find those glasses" she didn't bring with her, but swears she did. Ahhh yes, fun for the entire family.

Alrighty then...moving on to Diana Ross. I was not aware that she would be in Texas over Christmas, so you can imagine my surprise when she popped in to entertain.

Thank God for the 80's and the Cruise Ship craze, huh Mom?

Finally, may I interest you in the 21st century Fairytale, "Boys Need Love, Too"? Here's the 2 minute movie-pitch version:

Prince Charming meets a special new friend. Gathering the frog in his arms *cough* ham hocks *cough*, he pulls it closer for a more thorough inspection, at which time the frog apparently double-dog-dares him to lay down a nice big wet one. Never one to back down from the double- dog, the Prince goes open-mouthed, tongue and all. Bibbidi Boppidi Boo, he lives FABULOUS ever after. The End.