Right, so when I was very very little, I wasn't the greatest of kids. I was soooo that annoying Nellie bitch from Little House on the Prairie warmed over.
I cut Lea Ann's hair, fingered her as the culprit, and got to go to Hanna-Barbera Land for a day of care-free fun. I convinced her to let me throw her into the coffee table so we could get our Mom to let us go with her and Jenny to a one-yr-old's birthday party. (We were like 6 and 4). I held her hand with a red crayon in its grasp and moved it all along the wall, then went and told my mom that Lea did it. I showed my woohoo to one of the neighbor boys (but ONLY cause he showed me his), then claimed it was the other little girl who was there. Although I completely realized that I was totally in the wrong for my evil doings, part of me always felt that my Mom and all of my victims were somewhat to blame -- how gullible can you be?
Regardless, I've suffered greatly for my sins (have I mentioned the coat of guilt I sport on a daily basis?), but today may have been the biggest punishment yet.
You see, my worst crime of all as a child was to listen under the door as my sisters got spanked, laughing gleefully. I was a twisted, demented little shit I admit, but oh, OH! how the mighty have fallen!!
We were at the Y today, picking up Ryan from babysitting when I see these 3 hoods crowding around my sweet little baby. She, of course, was sitting in a chair, smiling wickedly as they gathered around, seemingly trying to provoke some sort of reaction. Feeling confident in her ability to take on these 3 weenies (please -- two of them were twins dressed in the most ridiculous head-to-toe "Incredibles" outfits I have ever seen), I just kinda hung back and watched.
Just as they got the confidence to get within striking distance, Ryan lashed out at them and the three weenies scattered.
Apparently she caught up to them (again, not surprising), because a minute later we hear her crying real tears. She comes running up to us, claiming one of the "Incredibles" twins kicked her in the chest. As I am trying to get all the info, so as to sort out which retarded "Incredibles" twin needs the ass-kicking, one of the caregivers overhears us and begins rounding up the thugs.
That's when my punishment officially began.
While he was scolding the boys, Ryan crept behind his back and began flashing the trio, sticking out her tongue and wiggling her butt; clearly enjoying watching the boys squirm.
Suddenly, the next 14 years of my life became horrifyingly clear to me: they will be spent in countless principal's offices, classmates' homes & police headquarters, hat in hand, begging forgiveness for my child all the while trying not to laugh.
Tuesday Newsday by The Pioneer Woman
3 days ago