Sunday, April 2, 2006

Embracing My Inner (Christian) Diva

Who knew that turning 29 would bring out my bitchy side even worse than before?

I was at church today -- alone. again. -- and was lucky enough to have the World's Most Annoying Man sit right behind me. He was there with his young son, and at first I assumed his wife must be home sick or in bed, but after sitting in front of him for 5 minutes, I quickly realized she either refuses to be seen with him in public, or has left him, either reason very likely in my *christian* opinion.

First he begins by just plain talking loudly, but it was before mass had begun, so I *christian-like* let it slide. Then his mom showed up, and he really pissed me off.

The woman had barely crossed herself, before he starts going off about the LSU game the night before and how glad he was that they didn't win, blah, blah, blah, which really made me mad, 'cause Tiger blood runs in the fam and all. I don't think it would've been quite so excrutiating had he not been the biggest dork the Good Lord ever put on the Earth, sporting shorts and Tivas. At church. Here I am, lookin' all pretty and shit, and this yokel can't bring himself to wear long pants in the house of the Lord. Some people.

Asswipes, I can deal with. Goobers-as-asswipes? not so much.

So after putting up with the unbearably loud, grating conversation for about 15 minutes, I resisted the urge to turn around and scream, "Are you fucking kidding me?" (cause that really wouldn't be What Jesus Would Do), and instead just oh-so-slightly glanced at him over my shoulder socialite-style, which shocked the hell out of me because I had no idea I had such power of retstraint in me (see, I have grown up), and because it actually worked. Sort of.

From that point on, he was reduced to an annoying, grating WHISPER, which I guess I could have tolerated had Mass not already begun. For the Love of God, shut the hell up.

Then he starts intermittently whispering praise to his son, "Way to go Buddy. I'm really proud of you. You're doing great.", which I'm assuming was in reference to the kid's ability to keep his mouth shut, a feat I too applauded, seeing as how the kid had a shitty-ass role model and all.

Then people's babies started crying, and I totally went into Judgemental Christian mode, wondering why the hell these people don't use the nursery, that's where I left my crying wonder. Some people are so self-centered.

I finally just got up and walked out after they took up the collection, b/c according to THE CHURCH, if you've given money, then you're not really required to stay any longer and all is forgiven.

This whole 29-years-old thing is gonna be a cakewalk. Really.

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