Just A Cowgirl Ridin' An Ostrich

Before I begin this narration of what a day in Hell entails, I first want to thank all of you for your overwhelming response to my previous post. Really, it's good to know there are people out there who care. All two of you.

Now, back to today; Here's how it went down:

12:30 am -- Jax wakes up screaming; run into room and replace binky
3:44am -- Jax wakes up screaming; run into room, trip on toy, swear, replace binky, limp back to bed
5:12am -- Jax wakes up screaming; stumble blindly into room, shove binky back in mouth, stumble back.
5:15am -- Shawn's alarm goes off; Amy now officially awake.

7:00am -- Everyone up, breakfast made, dolls played with, kitchen messy, etc...
7:30am -- First blow-up of the day between Mommy & Ryan. Ryan whining and whining for Mommy to be Ariel to her Jasmine. Mommy reminds Ryan that 7-8 is "news" time, after 8, Mommy will play to Ryan's heart's content. Ry is unhappy with this answer, whines and cries some more. Mommy begins "counting", reaches 3, drags Ry kicking, thrashing, contorting to the stairs for Time-out, where Ryan decides to untie all of the Holiday bows Mommy has neatly tied on the banister. Add 3 more minutes to Time-Out.
7:33am -- Ryan is released fromJail, heads straight to the playroom and proceeds to ignore Mommy. Mommy finally achieves Peace.
7:35am -- Jax starts to get cranky and begins screaming; Mommy gives up on watching news, and begins cleaning kitchen while holding chunky baby boy.
8:00am -- Mommy's cleaning is done, takes Jax into playroom for morning of play.
8:01am -- Mommy goes back for 3rd cup of coffee; returns to playroom to continue being Ariel's sister, Jakamonana. What? It's a real name...

8:30am -- Jax goes down for morning nap; Ry is busy watching Dora, Mommy gets all excited over prospect of 90 minutes of "Mommy" time (heads to computer)
8:35 am -- Check email, see offer for "Free PLasma TV with Short Survey" Hmmm... Shawn wants new TV, let's just take a look...
9:15 am -- Am deep in the middle of"short" survey when Jax wakes up. Swell. Set him in his swing...voila! Okay, now Ryan wants me to change her Barbie Doll. Done. What? Yes, Ry, I will put her legs back on , but please don't pull them off again.
9:30 am -- What Ry? Her head? Fine. I'll pop it back on, but again, please stop the mutilation..What now Ry? Oh, that is funny! (Ry and I share a healthy belly laugh as we watch Jaxson leaning back and sideways in his swing, knocking his head against the stand, leaning his head back to see what just hit him, and getting knocked again. looking..knock! Looking..Knock! Looking...knock! God, I could watch this all day, but must put a stop to this for fear of brain damage.
...9:35 am -- Alrighty, back to survey. Can you believe they want you to sign up for stuff in order to receive free gift? Well, what's a few $5.95 sign-up fees if it means a new plasma, right?
9:45 am -- Hang on -- now they're asking me to sign up for 4 MORE THINGS!! AAGGHHH. Fine. Fine Fine. Let's see...new credit card? Nah.. Disney Movie Club? Yeah, right. Amazing Fat Burning pill? Uhh, yeah! Okay. One down, 3 more to go. Hmm... AOL Music net 30 day trial? Okaayyy, done. Bottom-of-the-Barrel Inkjet prices? Yes, please!
10:00 am -- Am beginning to get stressed. Have just put $75 (collectively) on my credit card (very big no-no), and now they are telling me to sign up for more, and I have to be at the gym by 10:20, and am.having.melt.down. Face growing hot, fingers swelling. Must stop the insanity.
10:02 am-- Computer is off. Time wasted. *Note to self -- cancel all orders made in naive attempt to get something for nothing.*

12:00pm -- Home from gym where displayed UUber-coordination by wacking self in back of head with bands that were supposed to be held down by balance ball *grrrr* while lifiting over shoulder. Jax down for nooner, Ry playing outside, eggs boiling on stove. Mommy attempts to erase huge blunder that was this morning.
12:10pm -- Just successfully canceled "Free Trial" from AOL, with no thanks at all to Customer "Service" rep named Mark ("You mean you took the time to sign up for an account that you have now decided you just won't have the time to use?" "Yep, that's pretty much it" "But our records show that you haven't even signed on to check out the service..." "Look Mark, let me break this down for you: Do you hear that shrill screaming in the background? That's my son who I just put down for naptime, who I will have to continue to coax to sleep for the next 30 minutes, which will give me 30 minutes of silence from him until he wakes to be fed, during which that loud singing you hear in the other background will grow louder and louder, accompanied by dance moves, and undoubtedly ending with someone dying, this part being the one I will be forced to play. I went a little nuts with my freedom this morning, tried to get something for nothing, and now I want to cancel my order. DO YOU UNDERSTAND????" Inaudible murmuring followed by several clicks, then automated lady thanks me for canceling my AOL account)
12:30 pm -- Run downstairs at the faint smell of burning eggs, turn off burner, look outside in backyard and see Ryan lying seemingly unconscious on the ground in tights, a short-sleeved shirt, and flirty skirt. In 65 degree weather. Race to her side, frantically asking if she's okay, to which she growls, "Leave me alone, Mom, I'm dying!" My bad.

1:05 pm -- Jax still asleep, lunch finished, tuna fish and chips scattered over kitchen floor, Mommy & Ryan cuddling in bed reading books and getting ready for nap.
1:30 pm -- Ryan snoring, Mommy awake.
1:45 pm -- Mommy wide awake, contemplating proactive notion of showering and prepping Jax's lunch...
1:50 pm -- Too late. Jax awake.

2:30 pm -- Jax fed & playing with Ry in Mommy's room while Mommy waits on phone to cancel printer ink order from earlier when brains went missing for an hour and a half.
2:45 pm -- Still on hold...
2:55 pm -- Just carried Ryan to Time Out for sitting on her brother for the 6th time today.
3:00 pm -- Still on hold, biting back tears as Ryan yells, "I don't love you and I don't need you anymore."
3:05pm -- Breeze through cancellation of ridiculously over-priced ink order (85% off, my ass) as c.s. rep clearly wants to get off the phone with sobbing, hiccupping nut-job.
3:15pm -- Ry back inTime- Out for climbing on Jax and pushing him over. Naturally, he has taken huge sh*t while waiting for Mommy to get off phone with Ink people; tumble with Ry has caused poo to squirt out of diaper onto carpet.
3:17pm -- Attempt to bribe Ryan into grabbing clean diaper fails as she replies, "No! I'm so really mad at you right now Mom!" Tears return (Mine, not hers).
3:25 pm-- Breathing Deeply. Turning over new leaf, etc.. Take kids outside to play, Ry tries to get Emma to play, Emma doesn't want to, Emmas's mom comes out to deliver bad news. Ry retaliates against being rejected by jumping on Mommy's back/neck/head (repeatedly), followed by grabbing eyeglasses and running down street with them. Trying to stay calm and MOTY in front of neighbors, but crazy-psycho- mom must be peeking out, for Elisa laughs and tries to ease the pain by stating, "You know, she's gonna be such a star when she gets older. She's totally going to take hook her parents up." She better.



4:00 pm-- Calm Ryan down by playing Dora on the computer; spend rest of the hour jumping between ironing and helping Ry with computer mouse. Jax napping.

5pm -- Make dinner (for two -- Shawn will be late)/feed Jax/change Barbie's clothes (really...this is the last time Ry, I mean it...)/clean kitchen; bathe Jax; settle in to watch Rudolph, old-school style (read:Rankin/Bass).

7:05 pm-- Jax starts crying at movie(clay-mation can be a little scary...), while Ry dances in front of tv, shaking her butt and watching her shadow on the wall as she dances. Dream of peaceful movie-time flies out door.
7:30 pm-- Put Jax to bed; remind Ryan to try to keep quiet.
7:35 pm -- Shawn walks in the door amidst screams from Ryan. Jax wakes up.
7:45 pm -- After 5 minutes with Ryan, Shawn asks, "What did you give her today?" Ha. ha ha.
7:55 pm -- Shawn gets Ryan to "pull his finger". Lovely.
8:00pm -- Ryan in bed. Shawn working downstairs. Mommy gulps down ibuprofen with glass of wine. Jax wakes up.