Thursday, August 24, 2006

Broken Glass

Ryan just put Jaxson's head through our window tonight. He didn't even flinch. We're still not sure why she did it, but we think it may have something to do with her brain wanting to watch Daddy water the lawn.

I'm dying here. Seriously. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I am obviously aware that I am not the cream of the mothering crop, but in all honesty I thinkI'm pretty okay. Then something like this happens, Ryan goes into fantasy mode, Shawn blames me and I breakdown. I love my smart kid. I love that she's smart. I love that she's creative and imaginative and full of vibrance. What I don't love is the dangerously close line she walks between being a super-smart savvy sassy spunky kid and a 4 yr old version of Sybil.

I'm truly at a loss. I don't know if I should continue with the blog even -- maybe some of her "other world" obsession is caused by my need to make light out of nearly every situation. (Or maybe I'm a self-centered witch who doesn't deserve to have kids.) I know Shawn doesn't think I'm on enough with the discipline, but if you could really see us, I think I'm pretty consistent. But I could be wrong. I could be blowing the whole fucking thing out of proportion, and probably am, but when you've got kids, that's what you do, right? I mean, they are your world, your reason for being, your duty to God and all that, right? Then how could anything not be a big deal? All our lives are are mere small incidents added onto one another, creating great big moments and phases and eras. So how can we not analyze the little things? When they were babies that was all we did: "Day 1, she did ____. Day 2, she did_______. " Christ, they have us keeping journals of their excrements, right? When is it okay to stop obssessing? When does the care and worry and concern get in the way of the love and nurturing? I never thought I was that much of an anxious mother (shut it), at least, I tried not to show it in front of the kiddos. But we all second-guess ourselves, right? If the AMA can take 30 years to change their minds about breastfeeding and which way to put a baby down to sleep, and spankings, what's so weird about mom's second guessing every freakin' decision they make with their kids: How to handle a discipline problem? How to handle an overly-imaginative kid? Half the experts want you to baby talk every little thing, and the other half think you should bring it on, no holds barred. So now, here I am, little girl lost, trying to figure out which way is up, worried about what I'm doing to my kids, which is probably nothing, except that all the worrying I'm doing is turning me into an emotional wrecking ball, which is what will likely end up being the cause for their imminent downfall, no?

How do you squeeze the normal out of the crazy?

P.S. Lea Ann and Jennifer -- this is not the post to comment on with some smart-ass remark.


shah said...

Well I personally love the way you encourage the creativity in situations where most moms would freak b/c their kid has done something that puts them out or is a tad bit zanny (like making her very own "red carpet" out of toilet paper all the way down the stairs.) And I also wish I had more memories of my mom playing with me instead of making sure the house was picked up and clothes were washed. In fact, I didn't really know moms were supposed to play until I saw you in action...and I hope to do the same when I have kids. You're doing a great job so grab a box of kleenex, pour a glass of wine, put in Steel Magnolias, and have the good cry it sounds like you're needing.

Anonymous said...

I agree with shah. How lucky your kids are to have such a resilient mom who makes the time to make some wonderful memories for them in their childhood which I am sure will help to strengthen them as adults.

Anonymous said...

I agree with shah. How lucky your kids are to have such a resilient mom who makes the time to make some wonderful memories for them in their childhood which I am sure will help to strengthen them as adults.

J said...

Know that you are not alone. I have never questioned every decision I make like I do know. As a mom you have one of the toughest jobs there is. Sounds like you are in need of some serious Mommy time. Take it for yourself and your sanity if you can.

And remember Tomorrow is another day, and then there is another and another. One of those days has to be good, the odds require it.

Crazy Rockin' Foxy Mama said...

thanks y'all. i feel like i had a big boo boo and you guys kissed it better.