Ryan just put Jaxson's head through our window tonight. He didn't even flinch. We're still not sure why she did it, but we think it may have something to do with her brain wanting to watch Daddy water the lawn.
I'm dying here. Seriously. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I am obviously aware that I am not the cream of the mothering crop, but in all honesty I thinkI'm pretty okay. Then something like this happens, Ryan goes into fantasy mode, Shawn blames me and I breakdown. I love my smart kid. I love that she's smart. I love that she's creative and imaginative and full of vibrance. What I don't love is the dangerously close line she walks between being a super-smart savvy sassy spunky kid and a 4 yr old version of Sybil.
I'm truly at a loss. I don't know if I should continue with the blog even -- maybe some of her "other world" obsession is caused by my need to make light out of nearly every situation. (Or maybe I'm a self-centered witch who doesn't deserve to have kids.) I know Shawn doesn't think I'm on enough with the discipline, but if you could really see us, I think I'm pretty consistent. But I could be wrong. I could be blowing the whole fucking thing out of proportion, and probably am, but when you've got kids, that's what you do, right? I mean, they are your world, your reason for being, your duty to God and all that, right? Then how could anything not be a big deal? All our lives are are mere small incidents added onto one another, creating great big moments and phases and eras. So how can we not analyze the little things? When they were babies that was all we did: "Day 1, she did ____. Day 2, she did_______. " Christ, they have us keeping journals of their excrements, right? When is it okay to stop obssessing? When does the care and worry and concern get in the way of the love and nurturing? I never thought I was that much of an anxious mother (shut it), at least, I tried not to show it in front of the kiddos. But we all second-guess ourselves, right? If the AMA can take 30 years to change their minds about breastfeeding and which way to put a baby down to sleep, and spankings, what's so weird about mom's second guessing every freakin' decision they make with their kids: How to handle a discipline problem? How to handle an overly-imaginative kid? Half the experts want you to baby talk every little thing, and the other half think you should bring it on, no holds barred. So now, here I am, little girl lost, trying to figure out which way is up, worried about what I'm doing to my kids, which is probably nothing, except that all the worrying I'm doing is turning me into an emotional wrecking ball, which is what will likely end up being the cause for their imminent downfall, no?
How do you squeeze the normal out of the crazy?
P.S. Lea Ann and Jennifer -- this is not the post to comment on with some smart-ass remark.
Bleak But Beautiful by The Pioneer Woman
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