Peace Be With You

Well kids, it looks like we've got a new contender for the position of "Old Lady Who Really Pisses Me Off."

I haven't had any run-ins with Ye Old Librarian Wench in quite some time, and to be frank, I was becoming a little sentimental. Luckily, someone new has stepped in to take her place.

Since I am nothing if not the perfect model of respect and decorum, I will not use her real name, and shall merely call her "Crazy Old Oderous Church Hag", hereby referred to as "COOCH".

COOCH and I had our initial run-in on Monday morning at VBS, when she scolded me for talking to some of the girls in my 4 yr old class while the director of VBS was making a speech. What with my theatre background and all, I am usually completely in favor of sitting quietly and showing respect in a venue such as this, but the girls and I were in the middle of an extremely intense conversation about our toe nails, and whose color was prettiest (I sooo won). So even though I was miffed, I let it slide, seeing as how it's VBS and all, and I'm pretty sure name calling and violence amongst the teachers are looked down upon.

But today? Well, today, my friends, she went too far.

She was subbing in Ryan's class this morning, when some sort of altercation involving biting occured. Naturally, Ryan was the one biting. When her class and mine met up for snack time, I could tell something was wrong. My normally exuberant, bouncy daughter walked in with her head down and a frown on her face. She explained to me that she had gotten in trouble for biting, and when asked what had provoked her to bite, she explained that it had something to do with wanting to be "line leader" (natch). We calmly discussed what she did wrong, why it was wrong, that as a pinushment she would not get the donuts we had been planning on having for breakfast tomorrow, and that she needed to go apologize to the little boy.

As she was pointing out the victim of her hate crime, my friend, who happens to be another of Ryan's teachers pulled me aside and said, "Listen, she's already apologized. That crazy old lady subbing in our class got all in Ryan's face, yelled at her that she was bad, made her apologize, and then sent her to the end of the line. She really went off on her."

Here's where I start reminding myself to breathe.

I tell Ry to sit down and have her snack, and then spend the remainder of snack time glaring at the back of COOCH's head, planning my attack. Distracted by some of my students running around, my attention was turned for some time from the situation, but as I began herding my little sheep into a line, I noticed COOCH bending down talking to Ryan. Straining to hear her words, all I got was "very bad....do it again...." I approached Ryan and asked her what COOCH had said, to which Ry responded that she didn't know, she couldn't hear her. Umm, okay, this from the queen of the mimic? I wasn't buying it for a second, but I let it slide.

At this point, all the 4 yr old classes are making their way to the playground, during which I take some kiddos to the bathroom. When we re-joined the group on the playground, I saw COOCH standing next to a mother whose daughter was so distraught over being without Mommy that she has stayed with her every.single.day. (Not that I'm judging, or anything) I gingerly walk up behind them, and overhear COOCH telling the mom, "and then I told her what she did was very bad and that if she bit another child again, I was going to let them bite her back. You better believe her eyes got THIS big!"

FUCKWAH????????

A. Who let Satan's minion into VBS?
B. Why was she discussing my kid with Crying McCrierson's Mother?
C. And what made COOCH think it was funny that she scared the shit out of a 4 yr old?

This is when I stand still, shocked and frozen to my spot, wondering how many Hail Mary's I'll have to say for a blow to the head, (allowing that said blow doesn't actually kill), when COOCH turns to see me seething and approaches me.

"I want to talk to you about your daughter. Does she have a problem with biting?"
(Breathe, Amy. You are at church and you are NOT 18 anymore. Breathe.)
"No. Not usually. She's 4, though, so we're still keeping our fingers crossed."
*vacant stare*

COOCH then proceeds to tell me what she said to Ryan, most likely because she knows I know, and believes the best defense is a good offense.

When she finishes her speech, I summoned all my strength and calmly (yes, ME, calm) replied, "Well, you're right. She definitely should not have bit, but I'm not so sure that telling her you are going to let someone bite her back is quite the best way to go about teaching forgiveness and right from wrong at vacation bible school, you hairy, smelly, funky-toothed old bitch. (I added the hairy smelly bitch part under my breath, but whatever.)

She made some lame excuse about wanting to make a point, I smiled and nodded, and then ran to my precious adorable baby girl (who was stuck in a tree), and proceeded to hug and kiss her all over her little boy-biting face.

I,of course, begin planning how I'll write about the situation when I get home, then think better of it, deciding to turn the other cheek, and continue mr reign of righteousness.

Until I got home and told my Dad, Mom and Husband, who are all 3 pissed at me for not bitch-slapping COOCH and reporting her to CPS.

So here's the deal: Yes, Ry was wrong and needed to be reprimanded. No, the lady did not handle it in the best way, seeing as how we really prefer that only her immediate family threaten her with bodily harm. But she's old. That's what old hags do. They frighten children. Am I mad? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Wait.....whatever.

The point is, I am now having to defend myself for not being a bitch AT CHURCH, and so rather than feel all proud, I now feel like I completely let my baby down.

All in all, another great day of parenting by Amy.

We've got the final day's program tomorrow, which Menana, Big Daddy, and Shawn will all be attending, and during which all three have claimed first rights to COOCH. I'll let you know how it goes.

Shalom.