Forget cutting the head off a chicken; stick the head up her ass and see how she runs!

Is there anything more exhausting than preparing to go on vacation?

More to the point, is there anyone as stupid as the woman who volunteers to teach VBS and meet with potential consignment sale sponsors during the week of said preparation?

I think not.

Before any of you dare mock me, yes I did consult Flylady on the most efficient ways to plan for a vacay, but all of the suggestions left me wanting alcohol: Things to do before you plan to pack; Things to do before you actually pack; Things to do while you are packing; Things to do when unpacking. I'm certain all of the lists I will be compiling will make the packing go much smoother, but where's the list for what to do when suffering from perpetual brain fart? I couldn't find that section anywhere...

Apparently, there are reasons why I usually run around at the last minute, throwing half the contents of our wardrobes into one large duffle bag, and then spend the entire vacation wearing sundresses with rainboots, two non-matching swimsuit pieces, and having to wash and re-wash the same pair of underwear because that was the one thing I forgot to pack. It's so I can dress like Mary Kate & Ashley without even trying. I'm just that hip.

Right, so I've done the meal planning and grocery shopping, made plans to make whole-wheat chocolate chip cookies to take with us (to counter-balance the Family Pack of Frito-Lays I purchased), and even have Ryan's bag packed and ready.

But that's it. Nothing else has been done. Nada. Zip. That damn VBS has totally thrown me for a loop, and now I'm morphing from SpongeBob (early-morning brain-dead VBS teacher mode) into Patrick (late evening house-cleaning, brain-dead Mommy mode) faster than Ryan can sing the theme song. Now I remember why I wanted to stop teaching and become a stay at home mom: My kids...and everyone else's. (Did I really say "What do you saaaayyy?" when she asked for more snacks? Bleggh.) I cringe every other minute all morning long and repeatedly find myself switching from sickly-sweet high pitched voice to low and melow laid back voice. You know, because 4 yr olds care how cool I may or may not be and all.

They also really care what I wear. At least, this is what I'm assuming, as it took me 90 minutes and 13 costume changes to finally settle on an outfit for today. Really? This is what I've become?

*Takes Shot of the Hard Stuff*

That left the kids and I running late, which leads me to my next rant. Why is it, if we leave the house at 8:05, we end up being 20 minutes early, but if we leave at 8:15, we end up being 10 minutes late? Did I miss the Time Continuum notice?

Once I dropped Jax off at the nursery, it was off to prep for class. Smugly, I set about creating paper bracelets for the kids bearing the phrase, "With God All Things Are Possible". Which certainly rings true, unless when referring to moi attempting any craft last-minute. The "bracelets" were like 8 inches long, clearly too big to fit their 4-yr-old wrists, so they ended up sporting very bright, lovely colorful arm casts for the rest of the day. They were totally pimpin'.

Back to the whole "vacation" bit: May I please just inform those of you not in the know that moms never really take "vacation" when the kids are along. Don't "oh, poor baby" me, either bitches. If you are:
a. A mom,
b. A dad,
c. A Kid,

then you know what I say is true. We're still the ones getting up bright and early with the kiddos, we're still the ones planning activities, making meals, and keeping the herd in check; we're just doing it in a swimsuit with sand up our ass and stringy, tangly salt-water hair (which, btw, my husband does NOT find sexy).

So while I'm on pins and needles awaiting our trip, there are still things that have to be done, like securing sponsors for the Mommy and Me Fashion Show and purchasing birthday gifts for family members accompanying us on our vacay. Luckily, my "sales pitch" was being conducted in an upscale, Fredericksburg-ish gift boutique, so there ya go. Shoulda been a piece of cake, except for Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Thing 2 was actually quite well-behaved, while Thing 1 brought new meaning to the term "Bull In A China Shop." Luckily, Thing 1 managed not to break anything, I scored the sponsorship, and left with 2 beautifully gift-wrapped presents in tow. Check those off my list, thank you.

And now I'm actually beginning to feel better, until I check my email and find a reply email from the owner of the Mommy and Me Consignment Sale, wondering whether or not I'd intended to send the long, professional, thorough email detailing the events of my meeting, and if so, why had I addressed it to someone named Tina? Well, Teresa, that's easy: Tina is the woman with whom I'm co-teaching VBS this week. Duh. (Gawwd. Some people.)


That leaves me with the iron, Shawn's work clothes for next week (you know, so I won't be frantically rushing around quite as much when we get back), and Project Runway.

*Takes Another Shot*

Don't wait up.