It Happened To Me

In honor of all of the salacious "BEWARNED" articles that plague nearly every parenting magazine known to man, chunkyrhino brings you:

How CoffeeMate Saved My Life, by Jaxson York (21mos)

"'Sup kids? How's it hangin'? So, listen, you know how Mommies are always drinking that dark stuff in the morning, and like 10 minutes later they're A LOT nicer than when you woke them up screaming "EAT! EAT!"? Yeah, well, my mom is no different -- the broad guzzles gallons a day, which might improve her mood, but does nothing for her breath.

ANYWAY, I was just sitting here this morning, playing with some friends of mine, when I looked up and saw Moms putting milk in her black stuff and stirring it around. I heard her offer some the other mommy-type that was here, saying something about "coffee mate". Well. I had just finished my 2nd sippy full of water, and that milk stuff was looking preeetty good.

I know how she loves it when I beg frantically, repeating myself with urgency until she does that funny laugh/yell/dance ritual that freaks RyRy out, so I started in with "DRINK!DRINK!", then "MILK!MILK!". Nothin'. It was time to pull out the big guns.

I climbed onto her lap, reached up, and yanked that mug right out of her hands, sending that milky-dark stuff on top of my head, all over my face and clothes. Damn, that shit was hot!

I screamed. I cried. She screamed. She cried. Mom said I was lucky she had put so much of that milk stuff into her coffee, because without it it would have hurt a lot worse. I dunno, it hurt pretty bad as it was...until I licked myself, then all else was forgotten. It tasted so good, I found the wet clothes she stripped off of me, sucking the very last hint of yumminess out of every fiber.

Yeah, so anyway, that's how CoffeeMate saved my life. Tell your friends."