Saturday, March 8, 2008

Mom On-Demand

Hello, universe. I'd like to take a moment to stop and Thank You for the amazing blessings you have bestowed upon me, in the forms of my husband and children, my wordly belongings, my fully-functioning body and mind, and my excretion-eating dog.

I'd love to be able to fully show you, Universe, how grateful I truly am, by being able to honor each of those blessings to the fullest extent possible. Therefore, I'm asking for a favor. Could you please shower your energy over me and help me to do/obtain all of the following? (I've broken them down into sub-categories/phases and will be delivering them to you in installments, so as not to overwhelm you all at once. I'm very considerate that way, see?)

Phase 1:

Governess Godess

*Instill me with the patient, nurturing traits of Mary Poppins. Please help me to remember to sing as we clean, to take day-long walks in the park with my charges and dance on rooftops, and if you could give me that snap-clean magic trick thing that would be awesome. (P.S. I'm already a step-up with my giant carpet-bag-like purse, but if you could slip me a talking Bird Umbrella that flies, that'd be great.)

*I'd also like to possess the amazing clarity, detachedness and level-handed ease with which Jo-Jo the SuperNanny handles each and every decision concerning children. I'd like to be able to, in a split-second, instinctively know which tool to use for discipline: Naughty Chair, Step, or Spot? I'd also be very grateful if you could grant me the ability to stay calm and rational with my raging 3 yr old at 2:30 in the morning, for the 5th time that night. Give me the endurance to scratch his back until he falls asleep every night, and the tenacity to keep silently putting him back in his bed until he magically lulls himself to sleep, regardless of whatever chore/job/task I'm in the middle of performing. A British Accent would nice, too, but I don't want to be too demanding or anything...

* Any speck of ethereal quality and naive positivity you could send my way (ala Maria Von Trapp) would really be a blessing. I'm told that at one time I used to possess the same naivete, so hopefully that won't be too hard to grant. Also, she sings really pretty and is awesome at making up little performances for children (ie: Puppet Show; So Long, Farewell, Do-Re-Mi; etc). I do remember having done similar things like this in a previous life, so, again, I'm hoping that'll be an easy one for you. We all know I can't pull off her hairdo, but I don't think it's too much to ask to let me play the guitar like her and be able to make clothes out of curtains. I'm also asking for the ability to know exactly what to say to calm unruly children. (It'd also be lovely to be able to walk across Europe with my husband and kids.)

Thanks for your consideration. I'll let you marinate on this wish list for a while, but check back soon for my next wish Phase: Beaming Bride

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