Ann Coulter is a Whore

She is. She's a shameless attention-seeking whore. I know. I'm one, too, I just have more class (okay, even I can't keep a straight face ) and integrity than she does. No, but really. I hardly ever make fun of other people's dead kids.

Wouldn't it be awesome if just once she gave a really legitimate argument on the issues? How cool would that be?

Although, I am finding humorous the names she opts to use when she publicly defames her victims. I've been locked indoors the past 3 days with Ryan and Jaxson, and I think I have some viable options for her:





1. Poopoo Head (obvious, I know, but must be mentioned out of sheer volume of times it's been used here)





2.Dumb Face





3. Syphilis Cum-Bubble (oh wait -- that's mine for Shawn)





4. DoodyBrain





5. Stupid Butt





6. Vaginal Blood Fart (No, sorry -- one of Shawn's.)





Anyone want to place a bet???

Menana the Humanitarian

So you guys know all about my Mom, right? Biggest Bleeding Heart Liberal you ever did meet (how do you think I got this way?). Remember back when we were kids and Michael Jackson and all the stars did the Aid for Africa stuff? Every time those guys were on TV, there was Mom, sobbing. Remember Baby Jessica? Sobbing. Even now, she is active in human rights, heading up the Invisible Children project at her high school.

But even Gandhi has an off day. And thus, so does Menana.

She and my Dad had been traveling across Texas and living in hotel/motel state for the past 2 weeks, partly because they drove down to visit her Dad, and partly because they're having their home remodeled, and have thus been displaced. The home improvement project has taken longer than they were expecting, making life thoroughly unpleasant for both of them, but most especially Menana, who is balking at the fact that etiquette required them to accept a friend's offer to stay at their palatial villa while they are out of town, to give Mom and Dad some relief from the Marble Falls Inn. Some people.

When I called to check on her yesterday, she was at her own house in the only room not being worked on: the storage/office/gym room next to the garage. The one without a/c. Sweating and watching Law & Order because she just doesn't feel comfortable in other people's palatial villas.

So this morning, when I awoke to non-stop news reports that massive flooding had attacked Marble Falls overnight, leaving people stranded, roads flooded, etc, I called to see how they were doing.

"Oh, we're fine. We're on our way to check the house now. The creeks and rivers are just rushing -- it's crazy!! I really hope the tile guy can get back out here today to finish, he only got halfway done yesterday." All in one breath. Just like that.

Like I said, Menana the Humanitarian.

Our Inaugural Return

Grab some popcorn, a drink and sit back and relax: I've got a doozy for ya.

The previous post? That was 9 am this morning. A mere 31/2 hours since his father so lovingly left him in my care, he proceeded to yank the heavy glass table top off of our kitchen table, sending it crashing to the ground as we were quite literally walking out the door. Relax, he's fine.
But our wood floor is not. If we were ever in denial about needing to replace it, we no longer are.

Lucky for Jaxson, I was scheduled to take a Yoga class after dropping Ry off at school, so at least I was able to relieve something -- although I almost got it back, when after telling the class why I was in such a horrible mood, one lady offered up this piece of advice:

"Maybe he's just trying to get some attention."

Yeah, and maybe you'd like my fist in your face. Namaste.

Took me half the morning to clean up the glass, so for those of you still waiting on Christmas cards...keep waiting.

The afternoon actually did get better, Ryan's teacher was so proud of her because when the class realized that one little bot was without a Christmas bell (they read the Polar Express), she offered up hers. Then when we got home, she informed me, "You know, Mom, some people think I'm cool."

"Oh yeah? Who?"

"Me."

Which is always good to hear from your 4 yr old daughter.

Later, Ryan, Emma, Jaxson and I were hanging out in the backyard, and I actually found myself in a serious debate over why the people in the house behind us never ever jump on their 2-month-old trampoline.

Ryan: "They were on it the other day, throwing things at my head."

This led us to another of our favorite conversations: Real vs. Pretend.

After discovering that no one had thrown anything at Ryan, we continued our debate:

Emma: "Maybe they're afraid they'll be tempted by the Devil and start throwing things.

ry: "Why don't we just go over there and just ask them?

Mom: "Naw, they're older and they're boys. You don't wanna mess with them."

Emma: "I had to mess with an older boy today. He was being mean to my friend, so I twisted his arm like this (demonstrates).

"Mom: "So you nun-chucked a 4th grader?" (I have no idea what nun-chucking is, but I'm pretty sure it sounded cool to a 4 and 7 year old.)

Emma: "Uh huh." (Sits. Sighs.) "Good times. Good times."

So that was TODAY. I've yet to touch on What-the-Hell-Wednesday. May I? I'll be brief.

1. Left Ryan's lunch and backpack at home. Had to supplement with convenience-store food.
2. Had a playdate in the sand, which eventually led to an escapade into the wooded picnic area, where Ryan saw an ant and had a nervouse breakdown, nearly throwing her head into a large boulder.
3. Spent 15 minutes trying to chase a bee out of our car, difficult seeing as how all the windows were open and Jaxson's car seat was soaked with fruit juice.
4. Took the kids to the mall to return some items, and Jaxson bit a baby.

Hmmm... yeah, I think that's all. Just your average Wednesday.